When I am stressed I have anxiety attacks. Strong. But, when I can take a deep breath and talk things out, the these attacks disappear. I haven’t had a strong one since we came home from Mr. B.’s internship. That is, until recently.
I am very aware that hormones wreak havoc upon my emotions. I wasn’t entirely aware of how much until I read MomBabe’s recent post. I am not depression-prone, except for in pregnancy. Strange how a post on depression reminded me of what I have been struggling with. And, how to solve it.
Last night, Mr. B. came home with a look on his face that I thought reflected disappointment. In me. I couldn’t handle it. I shut him, and everything else, out. This really hurt him. After talking, I felt better. It was not until today’s reflections I realized what had triggered this emotional outcry. The pregnancy hormones have tipped whatever it is that causes my anxiety attacks. I have been feeling trapped, alone, and completely inadequate.
I am terrified of meeting new people, talking to old friends, and stepping outside my door. I am sure that people think I am weird (although, this is true). Even at work I feel as if the kids would be better off without me.
Why would I think these horrible thoughts?
It took awhile to recognize. Now that I have, I can seek the help I need. From Mr. B. After a lengthy “tell-all” session, I came to a certain peace with these feelings. I will not allow them to crowd out the joys in my life.
I know as the hormones recede these feelings will disappear. I am so grateful that Mr. B. gives me daily dosages of medicine. The kind I need: affection.
Funny how growing a baby can bring about so much change. I know that the Lord has recognized my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, that is why he sent Mr. B. my way. I could not have hand picked a more perfect husband.