The Domain of Endless Possibilities, Otherwise Known as Rambling Thoughts

My time is severely limited at the moment, so a few cluttered thoughts will have to suffice for a post.  Good luck wading through them.

I sit in my bed and compose the most perfect post, with the best words, grammar, and punctuation.  I wait until I am sure Andrew has fallen asleep and slowly sneak out of the bedroom.  I grab my laptop and start typing.  Then I see the mess in my living room and I smell the kitchen (after one meal, mind you) and realize that the post will have to wait.  I sigh, push the computer off my lap, and head into the kitchen.  Everyday I am stunned–and exhausted–by the mess one tiny toddler can create.

My well designed plan to control the constant chaos in my life has been struggling lately.  Mostly because the kids are fighting their bedtime harder and harder everyday.  If they go to bed later, I start cleaning later, and my well intentioned writing and blogging desires become unattainable.  The heat, which I prefer to winter’s cold, creates a sauna-like atmosphere in our upstairs apartment.  The kids have trouble sleeping, and I understand.  Nevertheless, it slows down my routine and leaves me more than drained.

Interestingly, rather than feeling irritated, I find myself accepting the changes without too much complaint.  If a clean house makes me less frazzled the next day, I will gladly choose cleaning over blogging.  Even if I am choosing to do something less than desirable.  Frankly,  I think that’s the idea behind adulthood: making decisions that aren’t always convenient or fun.

Too often I am hung up on the inconvenience of my current situation but this frustration is not helpful.  In releasing it, I am freeing myself from bondage of self-induced dissatisfaction.  Being home with my kids all day everyday can be difficult and there are times when I yearn for a break, any kind of break.  But right now that is not possible, not for me or for Ben.  He and I are okay with this reality.

I can’t really think of a fantastic ending, especially since this post is primarily a mixture of rambling thoughts and my kids are currently engaging in a few dangerous activities, but I don’t think that life has any real endings–only many beginnings.  I think that this marks my beginning of adulthood.

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26 Comments

Filed under lessons from a rocking chair

26 responses to “The Domain of Endless Possibilities, Otherwise Known as Rambling Thoughts

  1. I really love your last line. I so agree.

    • “Frankly, I think that’s the idea behind adulthood: making decisions that aren’t always convenient or fun.”

      Amen, sistah.

  2. Must be some kind of summertime thing, I swear. I find myself having only so much time right now and finding that if something has to go it invariably is my blogging. There’s just something wonderful about being able to kick back with the family like a normal human being sometimes, instead of a woman who always has her mind elsewhere. For now, that’s where I’m at.

  3. I always (okay, most of the time) clean the house at night after the kids are in bed, or else I can’t just sit and relax.

    So if that helps you for the next day (because it’s marvelous to wake up to a clean house!!), then we will just wait till you have time. 🙂

    Yeah – at first with all our moving with Eric’s job, I thought – well, when this happens, we’ll get settled down, life will be normal – but I’ve just stopped thinking like that because life is never normal. So I’m just trying to enjoy the here and now. Hope you have a great weekend Amber.

  4. Michelle

    In releasing it, I am freeing myself from bondage of self-induced dissatisfaction.

    Such wisdom. Keep up the great work.

  5. I have only been blogging for a few months but have noticed how just about everyone, including myself, kicks back for the summer. With no school, hot weather, an early sunrise and sunset, which in turn means an early rising daughter who insists she is not tired at night and does not need a nap any more either my free time is at an all time low too.

    So like you I have been doing a lot less blogging and quite honestly am enjoying the break, spending time enjoying the summer and being with my family. So do what makes you happy too.

  6. Yes. Must be something about summer. I too can’t relax until I have a clean space. Everything is within eye sight and it’s hard to quiet the mind and settle in when I can see all the chaos around me. So I don’t blame you, one bit!

  7. “I am freeing myself from bondage of self-induced dissatisfaction” That is so wise! The good news is that the rigors and trials of med school will pass–but all the wisdom you gain will stay with you and help you be happy in the long years ahead. Great post, Amber.

  8. Choosing cleaning over blogging. Sometimes that actually is the better choice, even though that is really hard for me to admit. 🙂

  9. unabridgedgirl

    Isn’t it horrible how hot the upstairs can get? I hate being hot. Unlike you, I prefer cold weather to hot. (Hahahaha, says the girl that lived in Arizona.)

  10. There is a whole lot of wisdom in what you wrote! Thanks for sharing – but more importantly remember to check back on this post when you feel overwhelmed and remember that you know just where you are going. Well done!

  11. You will know that balance you need. You seem to know what makes you feel good each day. You know that a clean home makes you less frazzled.

    I am a person who can tolerate mess if I know my well is fed. If I have one regret about the time I was raising my toddlers it is that I lost track of MY personhood for a bit. MY singularity.

    I wish I had let a little more go for the sake of sustaining ME through those years. It took a bit of a toll on my marriage because we lost me as I toiled to care for the team. And, because the team leader was lost herself, the direction we headed was a bit blind for a time.

    We are back now, but with more scars than I would like.

    My floor is dirtier, but my mind more clean. It is a better balance for me. The dirt is endless but I handle it with such peace.

    I send you all my dearest angels as you face the heat – both real and metaphoric. So glad you are there.

  12. Eva

    You know what I love about this post, Amber? How REAL it is. How much it feels like my life (minus the kids but plus an elderly father-in-law). How incredibly I relate to this. So THANK YOU for sharing, for being willing to post a rambling, disorganized set of your thoughts. It made my day (seriously!).

  13. ck

    It’s such a weird feeling to hit the “beginning of adulthood,” isn’t it? I remember after college my husband used to wonder when we’d feel “grown-up.” Alas…here we are.

  14. Melanie J

    For the first time since I was a single girl with no roommates, I’m enjoying cleaning my house. It has to do with everything finally having a place in this larger space of ours. Your season will come eventually. 🙂

  15. So much wisdom here. I just had a similar experience where the kiddos were running through the house with their hair on fire (metaphorically, of course) and I ordered myself to embrace the chaos and the unpredictability of the day. Knowing and accepting there was nothing I could do about the chaos itself, only how I chose to respond to it, really made me feel … peaceful. Sending air-conditioned thoughts your way!

  16. It didn’t sound rambling – it sounded like what was in my head!!

    Swati

  17. I so get this.

    It’s hard to believe that what older mums tell me is true – that I’ll actually miss these crazy days of sleep deprivation and diapers some day.

  18. I am so with you! I feel like I’m always pushing my laptop off my lap to do something I need to do… not WANT to do… but need to do. I miss my blog, I miss reading YOUR blog and others but I feel better doing the responsible thing (sometimes).

    I’m glad I made my way over! I do miss you!

  19. We’re happy to read your rambling.

    As for cleaning over blogging, I might generalize it a bit more to be responsibilities to family over individual passions. That may sound extreme, but it is what I found to be the case, for me, as a mother juggling a little of everything for so many years. Perhaps what you call adulthood.

    Setting priorities – whatever they might be – that reflect your responsibilities. And taking care of those things first. For you, that includes cleaning so that you’re less frazzled the next day. (For me, it wouldn’t have been cleaning… welcome to my messy home!)

    All that said, you will find time again, but there are periods when little kids sap us of everything. It’s just the way things go.

  20. Nicki

    In a superficial glance, I would have said Mommy ADD – start this, see that, move to that, see this2, etc. But looking deeper, it is more family responsibilities. We all do what we have to to make our families run the way we want, like well-oiled machines.

  21. “Frankly, I think that’s the idea behind adulthood: making decisions that aren’t always convenient or fun.” Not a truism I enjoy, but it’s the reality we have to embrace. And so we try to make the best of it.

    I also find it difficult to find the balance between doing what I need to versus what I want to – a heart and mind struggle. But we make the necessary decisions to move forward, and if there are things that take precedence over blogging that pull you away from us, so be it. We, your readers, definitely understand, and when you’re back, we’ll be right here where you left us 🙂

  22. You are awesome. Can I just say that? Such a great post, and so very true.

    My blogging has taken it’s rightful spot on the back burner as i deal with summer and all it’s four toddler craziness.

    And I’m okay with that.

  23. I’m home every day, all day, with my kids as well. It becomes a lot to handle. And every once in awhile, I wallow in it. Because I want to go out, I want to do things, but right now it’s not possible for a variety of reasons. It’s hard to even take the kids outside because my 2 youngest will try to run off from me and we don’t have a fenced in yard. And so I sit and I feel sorry for myself, for what I’m missing while my husband’s at work. And that may be why I’m so attached to the computer. Actually, I know it is. But this is my way of freeing myself. With it, I don’t feel quite so alone in a child’s world.

  24. Oh, yes. Inconvenient but necessary. Frazzled or accepting. I struggle so deeply, but you seem to be finessing your way through, learning as you go. I am taking lessons.

  25. do YOU know how awesome you are?

    trust me.

    i know.

    🙂