My time is severely limited at the moment, so a few cluttered thoughts will have to suffice for a post. Good luck wading through them.
I sit in my bed and compose the most perfect post, with the best words, grammar, and punctuation. I wait until I am sure Andrew has fallen asleep and slowly sneak out of the bedroom. I grab my laptop and start typing. Then I see the mess in my living room and I smell the kitchen (after one meal, mind you) and realize that the post will have to wait. I sigh, push the computer off my lap, and head into the kitchen. Everyday I am stunned–and exhausted–by the mess one tiny toddler can create.
My well designed plan to control the constant chaos in my life has been struggling lately. Mostly because the kids are fighting their bedtime harder and harder everyday. If they go to bed later, I start cleaning later, and my well intentioned writing and blogging desires become unattainable. The heat, which I prefer to winter’s cold, creates a sauna-like atmosphere in our upstairs apartment. The kids have trouble sleeping, and I understand. Nevertheless, it slows down my routine and leaves me more than drained.
Interestingly, rather than feeling irritated, I find myself accepting the changes without too much complaint. If a clean house makes me less frazzled the next day, I will gladly choose cleaning over blogging. Even if I am choosing to do something less than desirable. Frankly, I think that’s the idea behind adulthood: making decisions that aren’t always convenient or fun.
Too often I am hung up on the inconvenience of my current situation but this frustration is not helpful. In releasing it, I am freeing myself from bondage of self-induced dissatisfaction. Being home with my kids all day everyday can be difficult and there are times when I yearn for a break, any kind of break. But right now that is not possible, not for me or for Ben. He and I are okay with this reality.
I can’t really think of a fantastic ending, especially since this post is primarily a mixture of rambling thoughts and my kids are currently engaging in a few dangerous activities, but I don’t think that life has any real endings–only many beginnings. I think that this marks my beginning of adulthood.