I am feeling very emotionally raw. Yesterday and today have tried my faith tremendously. I considered writing about my experience, not sure if I wanted to talk about it yet, but I feel impressed that I should. Please excuse the grammar and other errors, I’m having a hard time thinking straight.
I realize that most of my posts recently have been about pregnancy. While it may seem boring, it is my way of coping with the constant anxiety I am feeling. Anxiety that has increased dramatically since yesterday.
All weekend long I was expecting something that never happened: my body’s reaction to a healthy pregnancy. I’ve had nausea, but it has come when I’m tired and/or haven’t eaten, something that I already experienced prior to pregnancy. I understand that some (or most) women experience different pregnancies with each child, for me that is not likely. My body develops hyperemesis gravidarum in response to pregnancy, as irritating as it might be.
Given my current due date, I should be on my knees next to the toilet right now. But I’m not. It’s not that I’m being negative in assuming that I will have awful morning sickness, it’s that I understand how my body handles pregnancy.
In researching possible outcomes, I felt that two possibilities were increasingly likely. 1) I was on my way to miscarrying or 2) my due date is incorrect. After explaining my fears and concerns to my husband Saturday night, he suggested I call the doctor on Monday, something I already intended on doing.
Monday came and I called the doctor’s office and left a message for his nurse. Moments later I started bleeding. I’m sure you can imagine my reaction so I won’t get into those details, but I sent a text to Ben who asked me for more details.
An hour passed and I still hadn’t heard back from the doctor. I was panicking. I couldn’t focus on the kids or even think about anything besides the bleeding. I needed to talk to someone, so I called my sister. Since she has equally awful morning sickness, she understands my nervousness for not developing it. She listened and soothed. While I didn’t feel better, I did feel encouraged that I had a confidant.
Shortly afterward, Ben arrived home from his work meeting. He brought me lunch and a big hug.
Then the phone call came.
I explained everything to the nurse, she listened and asked that I come in, immediately, for a blood draw to find out my hormone levels. Based on that information, she and the doctor would know how to proceed. Ben took me to the lab and I dropped him off at work on the way home.
The rest of the evening I obsessively checked for bleeding. Thankfully, it hadn’t continued after the initial gush (which Ben checked and found to not be as much as I feared). No bleeding came and no nausea. After an exhausting day emotionally, I fell asleep.
This morning I awoke with the same tension–pressure felt in my chest, my head, and all over my body–about the phone call I should receive. An hour ago, I finally talked to the nurse. After reviewing my lab results, she didn’t have any real answers. The hCG levels and Progesterone levels aren’t as high as they should be if I were 6 weeks, which could mean I’m not as far along as originally planned. I have another blood draw tomorrow to see if my levels double. If they do, it should mean my pregnancy is progressing as it should and the due date is wrong. If they don’t, I am most likely on the way to a miscarriage.
I have been repeating the same prayer over and over in my mind: “Please help the embryo to properly grow and help my body to accept the pregnancy. Please help the nausea to increase.”
This prayer has changed to one focusing on the best outcome, whatever that might be.
Would you join me? (In prayer, good wishes, or however you feel comfortable doing.) I’m hoping the hormone levels double tomorrow but I am willing to accept any outcome.