Living on Faith

I am feeling very emotionally raw.  Yesterday and today have tried my faith tremendously.  I considered writing about my experience, not sure if I wanted to talk about it yet, but I feel impressed that I should.  Please excuse the grammar and other errors, I’m having a hard time thinking straight.

I realize that most of my posts recently have been about pregnancy.  While it may seem boring, it is my way of coping with the constant anxiety I am feeling.  Anxiety that has increased dramatically since yesterday.

All weekend long I was expecting something that never happened: my body’s reaction to a healthy pregnancy.  I’ve had nausea, but it has come when I’m tired and/or haven’t eaten, something that I already experienced prior to pregnancy.  I understand that some (or most) women experience different pregnancies with each child, for me that is not likely.  My body develops hyperemesis gravidarum in response to pregnancy, as irritating as it might be.

Given my current due date, I should be on my knees next to the toilet right now.  But I’m not. It’s not that I’m being negative in assuming that I will have awful morning sickness, it’s that I understand how my body handles pregnancy.

In researching possible outcomes, I felt that two possibilities were increasingly likely.  1) I was on my way to miscarrying or 2) my due date is incorrect.  After explaining my fears and concerns to my husband Saturday night, he suggested I call the doctor on Monday, something I already intended on doing.

Monday came and I called the doctor’s office and left a message for his nurse.  Moments later I started bleeding.  I’m sure you can imagine my reaction so I won’t get into those details, but I sent a text to Ben who asked me for more details.

An hour passed and I still hadn’t heard back from the doctor.  I was panicking.  I couldn’t focus on the kids or even think about anything besides the bleeding.  I needed to talk to someone, so I called my sister.  Since she has equally awful morning sickness, she understands my nervousness for not developing it. She listened and soothed.  While I didn’t feel better, I did feel encouraged that I had a confidant.

Shortly afterward, Ben arrived home from his work meeting.  He brought me lunch and a big hug.

Then the phone call came.

I explained everything to the nurse, she listened and asked that I come in, immediately, for a blood draw to find out my hormone levels.  Based on that information, she and the doctor would know how to proceed.  Ben took me to the lab and I dropped him off at work on the way home.

The rest of the evening I obsessively checked for bleeding.  Thankfully, it hadn’t continued after the initial gush (which Ben checked and found to not be as much as I feared).  No bleeding came and no nausea.  After an exhausting day emotionally, I fell asleep.

This morning I awoke with the same tension–pressure felt in my chest, my head, and all over my body–about the phone call I should receive.  An hour ago, I finally talked to the nurse.  After reviewing my lab results, she didn’t have any real answers.  The hCG levels and Progesterone levels aren’t as high as they should be if I were 6 weeks, which could mean I’m not as far along as originally planned.  I have another blood draw tomorrow to see if my levels double.  If they do, it should mean my pregnancy is progressing as it should and the due date is wrong.  If they don’t, I am most likely on the way to a miscarriage.

I have been repeating the same prayer over and over in my mind: “Please help the embryo to properly grow and help my body to accept the pregnancy.  Please help the nausea to increase.”

This prayer has changed to one focusing on the best outcome, whatever that might be.

Would you join me?  (In prayer, good wishes, or however you feel comfortable doing.)  I’m hoping the hormone levels double tomorrow but I am willing to accept any outcome.

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33 Comments

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33 responses to “Living on Faith

  1. Oh honey… sending up prayers.

  2. Definitely praying that all goes well, and for your comfort and peace no matter what.

  3. Oh, Amber, I am definitely praying for you and your family. BIG hugs to you. I hope you get the answers soon. xo

  4. Oh man, I bet the waiting game is so awful, Amber! I’m so sorry that all of this is happening. Try putting on a bunch of movies today to distract yourself, (if it’s even possible to distract yourself). What a sweet hubby you have to bring you lunch – Eric did that for me last week when I was having a rough day.

    If you want to call (or text) and vent, I will be more than happy to listen. I was thinking about you all yesterday when you said you would call and I figured something had to be up when you didn’t. Wishing I could give you a big hug now!! 😦

    Prayers are being sent your way.

    • I was waiting to hear back from my doctor to call you, , so I could confirm I wasn’t crazy or overreacting, when the bleeding started. After that, I basically withdrew inside myself because every time I thought about the bleeding, I started crying. (Something I still do.) I think once I’m not so emotional I will be able to converse on the phone.

      Ben called and asked if he could bring lunch home but I told him I was too nervous to eat. I’m glad he ignored me. : )

  5. Oh hugs. I wish you comfort from the doctor’s phone call.

  6. oh Amber . . my prayers are there!!

  7. Pregnancy is the most stressful combination of things you hate and things you don’t want to go away at the same time. And panic is a regular symptom. Prayers with you for peace throughout the ordeal.

  8. Yes. I will surely pray for your baby and for you to have a healthy pregnancy.

  9. Yes. I will surely pray for your baby and for you to have a healthy pregnancy. And I will pray for the worry to subside and peace to replace it.

  10. Definitely sending prayers your way, Amber. And lots of sticky thoughts.

  11. db

    Aww Amber! I will be sending you many well-wishes. Hope your hormone levels are doubled when you re-check them and the little one is doing just wonderfully. xoxoxox

  12. Prayers and love. xo

  13. Oh, this is really sad and I cannot imagine your anxiety; please know that I’m thinking of you. Sending white light your way.

  14. Oh Amber. I am so very sorry you are going through this. I am not a religious person but trust that I am thinking about you and have my fingers crossed for good news.

    I will say this too – change your OB/GYN. When something similar happened to me at 5 weeks 3 days I called my doctor and was immediately asked to come in and they did a scan. At six weeks that is what they should have done for you and you should not have to wait half a day for a phone call back either.

  15. Saying lots of prayers, and sending lots of hugs. Take care, my friend. We are all thinking of you.

  16. I know too, too well about what you are writing. I remember praying in my first pregnancy after a bleed and the next day I got to see a heartbeat. And my firstborn is perfect. My second pregnancy, I prayed for the best outcome. That one wasn’t to be. I will hope you don’t have that experience. My thoughts are with you, my heart goes out to you. I too am praying for the best possible outcome.

  17. Kim

    Oh Amber, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this! I wish I could do more to soothe your pain and anxiety, but know that my prayers are with you.

  18. Oh wow, I will keep you in my prayers (I just said one right now). I’m sorry that you’re going through such a stressful situation, but I’m glad that you have such a supportive husband (who brings you lunch despite your nervousness!), and such a positive outlook, considering. Hang in there.

  19. My fingers are crossed and crossed and then crossed for you. Please know that we are all here for you whatever the outcome today. xoxo

  20. Oh Amber, HUGS! I will keep you in my prayers.

    I had three miscarriages and went through these exact fears with all my pregnancies.

    When I was pregnant with my last I felt nothing. I felt great. I was sure I was on my way to a miscarriage so at nine weeks I went in and got an ultrasound. The doctor told me that I was going to have twins. I never got sick the whole pregnancy.

    Maybe you’re having twins. haha

    LY! Keeping my fingers crossed and my head bowed for you.

  21. GG Mel & Papa Wayne

    My darling girl I hope everything goes well. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

  22. Amber,
    I was so shocked to read about your sad happenings this morning. I know what you are going through . I had that happen when I was pregnent with Kim . I was at work in Phoenix and I went home and Dennis took me to the hospital on the AFB. They checked me out and told me to go home and rest and keep my legs elevated. The bleeding stopped and I was ok. I will keep you in my prayers grand daughter. I love you very much.

    Grandma

  23. Of course I’ll join you! I’ll even add you to the prayer roll when I go to the temple next. 🙂

  24. Hang in there sweet friend! I’m thinking about and praying for you!

  25. I’m so very sorry for what you are going through right now. You must be beside yourself. I am sending you many many prayers and well wishes for your baby. May the love of God surround you.

  26. I’ll pray as soon as I hit “Submit Comment.”

  27. You’ll be in my prayers, Amber. Praying and hoping for the best for you and you new baby-to-be.

  28. Oh Amber, I’ve been exactly where you are and I know what you’re going through. Lots of hugs and love coming your way from me to you. You’re in my thoughts…

  29. db

    Thinking of you! xoxo

  30. Sending good vibes your way.

  31. I am coming to this conversation very late, but I am thinking of you Amber. Sending you hugs dear lady.