Moving Forward

A Little Memorial

We held the memorial service in our living room–a fitting place since most the events happened there–with us, the kids, and my mother-in-law.  It was an emotional and peaceful service.  Short and sweet.

All About Science

Every person handles loss differently.  For me, I use my knowledge of science and reproduction to obsessively deduce what has happened.

Because of the severity of the miscarriage–the intense contractions, bleeding, and clotting–it would seem that I was about 8 weeks along.  Unfortunately, the hCG levels  remained at a 4-week level. Slowly increasing.  Very slowly.  This left the embryo in a very inhospitable environment, especially since the amniotic sac was already having trouble connecting to the endometrium.

My body rejected the growing baby.

Moving Forward

During the memorial service,  a little voice whispered, It’s okay.  Your baby is safe with me.  Keep moving forward.

Moving forward doesn’t mean forget, it means continue to live.  I have much living to do with my sweet husband and beautiful children.  And with myself.

I have kept myself secluded inside my house.  Afraid to be outside,  unsure of how I would react to questions and condolences.

I feel myself ready to take baby-steps.  Taking short walks around the neighborhood.  Cooking meals.  Talking with neighbors, friends, and family.   Big gatherings, like church, are still too much.  Too painful.  But I’m emerging.

On Life

Many friends have brought over flowers.  They bring much comfort.  Their vivacious beauty reminds me how to live: It’s more than smelling the flowers, it’s nurturing them.

On returning home from our short getaway,  I ran up the stairs, into my babys’ rooms (they were sleeping) and scooped them into my arms.  I smelled their delicious scent and smothered their smooth faces with kisses.  Lots and lots of kisses.

Healing

I’m not as brittle as I was a few days ago.  I feel strong.  Powered by my husband’s love, my children’s affection,  and the Plan of Salvation, I know I can heal.  The pain will remain nestled within my heart,  nudging me every now and then (like all day today),  but I feel its rawness dissipating.

I am coming back,  armed with a new perspective and knowledge from my experience.

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33 Comments

Filed under keeping the faith

33 responses to “Moving Forward

  1. I think this sounds like the perfect thing to do.

  2. Hi Amber
    I am so sorry that you are going through this, you and your family are in my prayers.
    It’s time like this that we really do realise how fortunate we are to have and know the plan of salvation, and that the time will come that you will have your baby back in your arms and do all the things he/she didn’t need to do in this life. Oh my what a perfect spirit your baby is!
    Love and hugs
    Debs

  3. I’m sorry. I know it is a real loss on many levels. Please know that some of us out here, who don’t always know the right thing to say, do care about you and feel sorry you had to go through that.

  4. ck

    I am so sorry, Amber. I know that hollowness you’re feeling. If you ever want to talk about it, or vent, I’m only an email away. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. Jen

    I hope that what is a glimmer today continues to shine brighter and brighter as you continue to live your life full of love.

  6. Hugs to you Amber. Sending you love and strength.

  7. I think what you chose to do was wonderful, and I hope it gave you some comfort to give yourself permission to acknowledge the loss, to grieve. Thinking of you.

  8. Sending so much love and every healing wish I have to you. You and Ben continue to be in my thoughts.

    xo

  9. db

    Thinking of you Amber. xoxo

  10. I remember that feeling, of the rawness finally dissipating. It truly is a marvel, isn’t it? So glad you’re focusing on life, but also glad you’re not trying to forget. That’s the difficult balance and it seems like you’re there. (hugs)

  11. Good luck on your baby steps! But don’t force yourself to move on too quickly if you still want to cry though. 🙂

    Still think about you all the time.

  12. You don’t ever forget, but your act of honoring the loss seems very brave and very beautiful to me.

    I’m glad you’re doing a bit better.

  13. I’m so sorry for your loss Amber. My prayers are with you and your process of moving forward.

  14. My heart is with you. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, honoring yourself, honoring that little lost one.

  15. You are amazing, Amber. And very strong. It sounds like you have a good perspective and are taking all of the right steps toward moving forward (but not forgetting). You have lots of living to do with your beautiful family. And you will get there, one step at a time. Big hugs to you!xo

  16. I’m glad you’re feeling strong – and you’re projecting strength here. I love that you’ve woven together science, faith and feeling to tell your story and to reflect on your experience. Thinking of you.

  17. Amber, while it takes time to heal, nonetheless I’m glad for you that you are already feeling stronger. May you continue to feel that way.

  18. I know you will never forget this child, but I am so glad that you are feeling a bit stronger and that you have found some comfort through holding a service. Thinking of you and praying for you to find peace.

  19. Lots of love from over here. Keep hugging those little ones. Maybe tickle them, too. Giggling babies is a great feel-good strategy.

  20. Nicki

    Mothers, and fathers and brothers and sisters, never forget those we no longer have with us. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you, Amber! Heal in your own time, with your family.

  21. Having been where you are (a few times) I have a feeling of what you’re going through. And it stirs my soul and puts an ache in my heart hearing that you having to heal from such sadness. Hugs and love to you, dear, sweet blogging friend.

  22. I’m so glad you did this. It sounds like you are healing little by little.

  23. Beautiful, Amber. I am glad you feel direction and I hope the healing and peace continue to flow.

  24. You are totally grounded in what matters, and it is visible through the way you are writing about it. I think that memorial service will help you tons. Best wishes.

  25. Oh, I am so sorry. I’ve been away for a few weeks and I missed this whole thing.

    HUGS.

    I’ve been there, done that and the pain is so real. The hormones make it way worse too. This brought back exactly how I felt.

    This was so beautifully written. Thank you.

  26. Smell the flowers, enjoy the walks, hug your babies, and take your time. Take all the time you need. Thinking of you!

  27. I’m glad the service helped with the grieving process. I think of you often and send prayers your way.

  28. I’m glad you’re finding peace. That’s what Heavenly Father wants most for you.

  29. That little voice makes life bearable.

    And that wonderful, wonderful plan of salvation.

    I love your heart. Thank you for opening up parts of it here — you strengthen me.

  30. I love this talk of flowers. Something to nurture. Something to inhale inside. Friends to mix and mingle with inside your home while you grow stronger and become ready to venture further. Your process is really lovely. Thank you for letting me see.

    Your heart is so dear. And precious. You seem to be taking such good care of yourself. Grief is such an important acknowlegment. Thank you for diving so deep. It matters.

  31. I’ve never had to go through this, but I really feel like if I did, the grace and strength you’ve shared with us here would help me get through it. Thank you for not hoarding your pain but teaching us that it is a normal and necessary part of life, of growth.