Here I Am (I Think)

The miscarriage, the D&C, and everything that has happened has consumed so much of my life,  so much of my writing. Rightly so.  It was something so unexpected and painful.

I feel split,  one moment all I want to talk about is the frustrating pain and in the next moment I want talk about something–anything–else.

I am vacillating between the past and the future, figuring out who I am.  Wanting to write about this and that but feeling stuck in the anger that often pours out of my fingers.  Draft after draft is saved, waiting for me to retry.

I am learning to sift out which writing goes where.  Updates in the family blog; emotional outbursts in my journal; other stuff here.  The problem is, what is other?  Is it motherhood? Social awareness? Philosophy?  Is it one or the other, or can it be all?

Motherhood is my occupation, yet it isn’t all that I think about.  Sure, my kids consume much of my thoughts, but in those silent minutes, the in-between-minutes, my mind is whirring.  Questioning this author’s claims, that reporter’s conclusions, and why I didn’t take more science courses.

It seems that my blogging identity hangs on my decision.  Will I lose all my friends if I discuss those things I am passionate about?  Or, will they appreciate my authenticity in pursuing these subjects?  I don’t know the answer to this.

But I am willing to find out.



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25 responses to “Here I Am (I Think)

  1. I think you need to blog about what you love and are going through.

  2. I will read whatever you write because you are an awesome writer. And everything you write is interesting.

    So bring it on! 🙂

  3. The best writing comes from passion, in my view, and that passion can be in a topic, a person, a question, a tension … I look forward to reading whatever you write here. xo

  4. Amber,
    I am so sorry that you have been going through everything that life has been swinging your way! You have always been so strong and I don’t doubt you are now. You DO write so eloquently, and I envy that talent in you! I don’t always have the time to post comments (I’m usually reading blogs on a break) but can I just tell you – the past few posts you have written… I’ve been in complete TEARS. The Seeing Beyond Imperfections post? Bawling like a baby… and so many others. I miss you.
    On a lighter note, how do you like wordpress? Also – if you ever need a friend to chat or talk with, I’m around! Even if I can only pick up in the middle of the night or the weekend, I’m just a phone call or text away. 🙂

  5. You blog for you, not for us!

  6. I also have so many things I want to write about, Amber. Things that my blog really can’t handle. I feel like Bar Mitzvahzilla has a certain scope, and it’s wide, but it’s not wide enough for the column-type essays I’m interested in writing as a “real” Jewish writer. I feel this in you too (as a Mormon, of course!) I’ve told you before that I keep a notebook of blog topics, just in case I run out; well now I’m keeping a notebook of article topics. I don’t know what’s going to happen with it but something is.

  7. db

    Like you said to me, this is our own personal space – where we should be free to say (or as in my own case, vent), as much as we need, and about what we are passionate about. I think being true to yourself is the most important thing, and the people who care about you will appreciate that! 🙂

  8. Stumble. Fumble. Ask. Say. Write. We will all be here.

  9. There are a lot of facets to a person–a lot of bits and pieces of you–and the person we love is made up of all of those things. Write what you feel and share what you feel you can, and we will be here!

  10. That’s the constant struggle with a blog. So far, you’re making it work, though! I LOVE your writing style, no matter what the subject is.

  11. I think the first post I read of yours was a contemplative post about teen pregnancy, and it was fascinating. Your writing is fantastic and interested, no matter the topic. Do whatever moves you, and we’ll be here.

  12. I’ll keep reading no matter what you write. Love your writing! And I have the same struggle–what to write in my personal blog. Love you!

  13. GG Mel & Papa Wayne

    We’ll love you no matter what you write on these pages. You are a very complex person — the usual accompaniment of great intelligence. That’s what makes your blogs so interesting. So let ‘er rip!!

  14. Go for it! I like you and I’m interested in hearing everything you have to say, and learning even more about you.

    I will definitely appreciate your authenticity – whatever the topic. And I also believe that your writing will be even better when you write about something you’re passionate about. Can’t wait to see what you have in store! xo

  15. Follow your passion. Definitely. My blog has evolved right along with me, and I’ve lost readers and gained readers, and parted ways with casual friends and found life-long friends. It’s a process, this thing called life.

  16. I want to add my voice to the already large chorus here: write want you want and what you feel. I know I’m not alone in appreciating writing that comes from the heart, the funny bone, or the brain when it’s part of who you are and what you’re feeling.

  17. I can’t wait to see what you are going to explore in this space. YOUR space 🙂

  18. You’ll find your new voice for yourself. Experiences (good and bad) always change us in many ways and that has to affect our inner voice. Good luck exploring!

    As long as you passions don’t run x-rated or profanity laced, I’ll be here! 😉

  19. I’ll appreciate it – and I’m one of many, many.

  20. “Will I lose all my friends if I discuss those things I am passionate about?” Ah, how many times I’ve said these words. And lost a few friends. It’s pretty rough too.

    But rougher those years when I bit my tongue. Please speak your heart, wonder about your passions. I bet there’s more than a few who will cut you slack. Most importantly, I bet you’ll grow rather than shrink.

  21. Write what is in your heart. For yourself.

    “This above all: to thine own self be true.”

    Those who want to follow along will be here.

  22. I’m not sure I have anything else to add after everyone else’s comments, but I agree.

    Write about whatever you want!

  23. I went through a rough patch last month – just a general malaise – and my writing suffered. And so did my blog following. But at the end of the day, the blog is there for me first before anyone else. And so it should be for you.

    This is your voice – why would you sing someone else’s song?

  24. michelle

    Yes, bring it on! I look forward to you writing whatever you choose to write. Sing your song, friend.

  25. You blog what you feel–whatever feels right to you.