Sometimes I find myself wondering who I am. More specifically, who am I to you? In this space I am a featureless person who occasionally posts life altering moments–at least for me–but mostly whines. At least that’s how it feels. Which leads me to wonder, what kind of person do you think I am?
I cannot write funny posts. I try and fail miserably. My humor does not translate on-screen. I think it’s because I’m sarcastic and, in real life, am usually poking fun at myself for things I’ve said. Hey, if I’m going to stick my foot in my mouth several times a day I might as well laugh about it!
If you were to hang out with me for a few hours–or even minutes–I wouldn’t even mention the woes I am experiencing. I might say something and reference it to my miscarriage in a very matter-of-fact way because that’s how I am. For real, I shoot straight. (That’s actually how I talk.)
The conversation would probably be centered on you as I ask you a million questions. I enjoy getting to know a person in depth and can ask some pretty awesome questions–granted that I feel comfortable enough asking them. Talking about myself is something I actually avoid. It’s not as fun. Unless I can share a lesson I’ve learned that might help you in some way.
When you read my words here, can you picture a determined woman? Who cares deeply about social issues? Who researches how to be the best mom?
I tend to relax in a unique manner, by watching shows or reading books that make me think. Sitcoms and love stories tend to irritate me so I stick with things I like. Shows like The Universe, Gangland, and The First 48 are my top picks. It isn’t unusual for Ben to come home from work to find me conked out on the couch and The Universe playing in the background. Heck, the only books I’ve read lately have been my Astronomy textbook from college and Ben’s Biology textbook.
I’m not all serious. I have a playful side that comes out when I’m with my family and around Ben. I smile and giggle very often throughout the day as I watch Emily and Andrew play. My family blog is devoted to how silly my kids are and how much they make me laugh.
Here, though, I’m a different person. This is my place to ponder, analyze, discuss. Even if there has been limited amounts of that lately. I enjoy the relationships I have developed with so many of you; the bloggers I have surprisingly connected with.
Yet. I feel a change coming. A shift. These past few months have been emotionally and physically taxing. I have evaluated myself–my passions, my dreams–at a deeper level than ever before. What I found was a person that I am still discovering. Not necessarily a new me, but a different me. Perhaps someone I buried once I graduated from school, thinking that part of me was over, who is emerging when I most need her.
I realize this post is dancing in and out of subjects. Confusing as it might be, it accurately describes my mind at the moment. I hop from thought to thought, subject to subject, trying to maintain some sort of rhythm. Presently, the pattern alludes me.
I feel closer to recognizing it.
Do you feel your blog fully represents who you are? Or, do you feel that a one-time meeting would provide a person adequate time to really get to know you?