A Spectacular Failure

My plan of posting daily was foiled by sickness and travelling.  We are home, thankfully safe and sound as inclement weather wanted otherwise, but the sickness is pervasive.  We are all busy living in a haze of congestion, chills, and fevers.

Before I stopped, I had published every day, except one.  A decent record, for sure, but did I really do what I set out to accomplish?

Yes.

Writing daily became a habit.  I set aside a block of time for myself, nightly, to sit and write.

Posting was more enjoyable.  I wrote on a variety of themes, allowing my creativity to flow.

Giving myself a break each day provided me with the escape I needed from the incessant worries that accompany motherhood and solo parenting.

And no.

I am not satisfied with my writing.  Many days, the posts seemed more like stream-0f-consciousness writing rather than organized, coherent, and cohesive thoughts with few grammatical and punctuation errors.   My time, like so many people’s, is extremely restricted.  If I choose to sit and write, I also choose to ignore the mess and continue living in a chaotic household–something I am not okay with.

While I did go outside of my comfort zone in small ways, I still kept within the confined zone.  Struggling to find the perfect word choice/combinations, appropriate tone, and correct word usage has placed more than one important piece inside the drafts folder.

I did not find that niche of which I am looking.  The subject that defines this place.  I also found myself in a vulnerable position of confronting a truth I have been avoiding.  A truth that will lead to more time and effort in order to receive adequate help.

I managed to break through the fog I had been living in by trying the NaBloPoMo challenge.  In the process, though, I found another fog that will take longer to navigate.  Something I’m not exactly prepared for but understand the necessity of facing it.

Perhaps I should dedicate this blog to figuring out pieces of myself as I venture further and further into motherhood and wifehood.  It seems to be heading in that direction anyway.

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14 Comments

Filed under Reflections

14 responses to “A Spectacular Failure

  1. Glad you made it home safe and sound. I'm sure it was tricky. Sorry about the sickness–seems to be part of the package, eh ; )

  2. I've always written in a journal – not every day, but frequently. 18 months ago I decided to try this, for many reasons, and found that if I let myself go in it (difficult, as I also want to edit, edit, edit) – I put out crap on some days, and interesting observations on others. Mostly, I think it is the discipline that serves me. As a person. As a writer. As a single mother who has been fighting through so many "systems" that are outside my control. This one stake in the ground of putting something down each morning has felt within my control. And I imagine, has taken me on a journey I couldn't have planned, and don't particularly want to.

    You can crave direction, discovery, spontaneity, and a modicum of ability to steer your destiny all at the same time. They seem contradictory, but they needn't be.

    Enjoy the satisfaction of the discipline when you can. Accept that writing frequently and under deadlines imposed by "real life" means imperfect results, but a rhythm that nonetheless serves many goals.

    I love reading you. Whatever flows out.

  3. Well, this post resonated with me. I feel the same way about my own blog, unsure about which direction to head in. i feel as though I am fumbling around, posting about anything that catches my attention. But then again, isn't that the very nature of a blog?

    Maybe we both should simply do our best (writing posts) and then let it go?

    I enjoy reading your posts. I can't visit as often as I would like because of my own time constraints, but I think you do a wonderful job of depicting your life and writing about thoughtful topics.

  4. Oh, please do tell! Do tell! You had me at the edge of my seat.

    I enjoyed this post very very much. And I totally totally relate to it. (And I like saying everything twice, because I've been with my MIL all weekend.)

    I get you. I really, really get you.

    And that's the beauty of blogging.

    Keep it up. Hope you all feel better soooooon.

    LY

  5. I think writing every day is huge – I really do believe it's not quite as important what you write, but that you write. And I sure like what you write :).

  6. Melanie Jacobson

    Now I'm wondering what this realization is, too. I'll be waiting to find out . . .

  7. I think our blogs can definitely change. I know that for me, posting very, very regularly means I lose good content. I started off posting daily. And I look back at those posts and cringe.

    And while I don't post as often now, I personally think they are better quality. I mean, constant references to The Hoff are amazing!

  8. The fact that you persevered, even through illness and travel, is inspiring. You did it! Don't worry if every post isn't poetry–we're still here and reading every word!

  9. Sometimes, I think life is just a series of fogs … we struggle to see through it, have a moment of clarity, then go right into another fog. But we always keep moving forward!

  10. You did great, Amber! I really enjoyed seeing you around so often. I hope you keep it up. Write about whatever comes out. Feel free to do some self-discovery – this is a perfect place to explore and learn and grow. I hope everyone feels better really soon! xo

  11. I'll read whatever you write!

  12. Spectacular, yes. Fail? No. Finding focus and discovering how to filter it all is an ongoing process, right? Like writing. (And I love yours.)

  13. Mckenzie

    I don't think anyone is particularly satisfied with their writing the first go around, but the point is that you ARE writing, and without your knowing it, you will get better. (Not that there's anything, really, for you to fix. I love how you write!)

  14. For me, writing is learning. Growing. Processing. Changing. And one of the most powerful things I've learned from blogging–and therefore disciplining myself to write regularly again–is that when I don't write I start to feel like I'm going to spin out of control, internally. I need to get the ideas out, down, to be able to make sense of them. And then I can look back and see how I've changed, grown, struggled. And I can see how my writing continues to change, too. That, to me, is what writing is for. Why it's rewarding. And why other people's writing–YOURS!–can so powerfully move me, too. Keep going!