What do you say?

Courage.  That’s what I am using to write today.  It has taken me one week to gather my thoughts–one minute I find the strength to sit down, and the next I occupy myself with something easier, something that isn’t so emotionally demanding.  In the same manner, my heart vacillates between sheer joy and absolute misery.   I feel drained from this roller coaster of emotions. Thank God I have a safe place to store my thoughts with friends who care and liberally give of hugs both virtual and real.

I am pregnant.  Over 6 weeks along.  The positive test came as a complete surprise (and, ironically, 9 months after the last miscarriage). I had sobbed the night before because I was feeling so sick and felt sure my period would start anytime (it was 4 days late at that point).  Per my doctor’s request, I called her immediately. She ordered blood work and we settled in for a long 2-day wait for results.

Bad news.  My progesterone was very low.  She ordered another draw 21/2 days later and started me on progesterone medication immediately (lucky I still had some from the last pregnancy, ha).

The next blood draw brought great news–my hCG levels had almost doubled.  She set up an early ultrasound appointment for a couple weeks later to see if we could find a heart beat.

This last Friday, Ben and I went to the ultrasound.  They did not find a heart beat, which could mean an impending miscarriage.  I called my doctor and she set another ultrasound appointment, this time with her, for a week and a half later.

The biggest difference between this pregnancy and the last is I don’t feel like things are going wrong.  I know my body very well.  I knew there was something wrong with the last pregnancy.  I knew it. I wasn’t as sick as I should be, I wasn’t as tired as normal, my muscles weren’t sore, my breasts weren’t sore–nothing was as I knew it should be.  But this pregnancy, things are going well.

I am sick.  I can’t read/write/look at the computer for very long or I start feeling even more nauseous. I toss and turn all night trying to find a position that relieves the nausea.  I can’t wear regular pants because any feeling of tightness on my stomach starts me dry heaving.  I can’t exercise because I start feeling too dizzy!

I am sore.  Every. Muscle. In. My. Body.  (And my boobs, too.)

I am fatigued.  I mean, I fell asleep when my friend came over the other day.  How awful is that?  Yes–very fatigued.

Plus, I have no bleeding or cramping.  So, based on my good pregnancies, things are going well.  Right?

I am stuck. The dilemma is, do I hope?  Do I expect the worst? In many ways I feel myself settling in and waiting for the bleeding and cramping to start.  Why bother with hope when it can be just as devastating in the end?

I also feel very angry.  All this sickness, all this exhaustion, all this muscle soreness for what?  If the pregnancy ends, it seems these last 5 weeks have been a cruel test of my patience, faith, or whatever.

I suppose Reba’s song describes my feelings perfectly.



Filed under Shooting Straight

37 responses to “What do you say?

  1. Tay

    Courage – definitely the best word to use.

    Here's a big hug from me. You can do this! You can do hard things!

  2. Amber, it's so hard to hope, to believe it might work, to have faith in your body. I remember. Oh, the agony of waiting! Wondering. I felt ashamed that I wasn't happier, though in my heart I felt like things were right when my littlest one was inside. But I didn't trust my body or my mind. And I was terrified.

    All I can say is take care of yourself. And know that you are not alone in those thoughts and worries. In the mean time, I will pray for you and that littlest one, hoping for the best joys to come.

    • admin

      Thank you, Kate. Waiting is unbelievably hard, especially when there are still little ones at home who need all your attention. I suppose these little ones are making this somewhat more endurable, but, at the same time, I can hardly take care of them anymore. Add that to the guilt list (along with waiting for the miscarriage to happen and not feeling ultra excited).

      Still, I have learned much because of last year. I know when to read my body. So even though I can't do much right now, I imagine that's okay. It must be okay. They won't remember, right?

  3. d

    Aww.. Amber! Congratulations!
    My humble opinion? Be positive. Rejoice in this pregnancy. Talk to the baby – do not give up hope. Because once hope is lost – it's a downward spiral.
    I will pray for you and this baby.. and you're family as a whole. And, I can't wait to see a picture of the this littlest one of your beautiful babies in 8 months.. 🙂
    Much love,

    • admin

      Thank you, D. I believe that this post is proof of the rollercoaster I mentioned–yesterday was a semi-down day but today is a very hopeful day. I feel like things are going to work out well.

      (P.S. I know how hard announcements like these are for you. Thank you for your wonderful support even through your own pain.)

      • I am glad today is more hopeful. 🙂
        And thank you for your sensitivity.. I'm doing a lot better.. there are days that are hard, but for the most part, I'm on board with the idea of waiting till next year to start trying. I'm genuinely happy for you and Ben though.. and you do make adorable babies! 🙂

  4. Shelley

    Yay so excited for you!!! I pray that everything will work out for you this time and that you will have some comfort! All day /all night sickness sucks 😦 How long does yours usually last? Hopefully you can find some type of ease or something that makes it somewhat bareable. Thinking about morning sickness makes me want to go grab a bottle of zofran. Hang in there!

    • admin

      Thank you, Shelley. Ummm…the nausea doesn't ever leave. Ha! I've only thrown up like twice so far so I'm wondering if it's going to get to that point again, if it does it will be a tough, tough road. If only medications worked for me, they just make me even more sick and uncomfortable. Ha!

  5. That song hits me hard every time. I am hopeful for you!

  6. Oh, Amber – wow! Your words are true for me to – I'm not sure what to say! It's a bitter-sweet feeling right now for you, I'm sure. But I still want to say congratulations! Stay strong, keep the faith. Best of luck to you, Amber. I will say a little prayer for you for your next ultrasound and for the rest of this pregnancy.

    BIG virtual HUGS! xo

    • admin

      Thank you so much Shannon. I really am excited about the prospect, just not excited about what might happen. You know? Still, everyday is different in how I feel. It's tough being pregnant, on Progesterone, and having all these twists and turns. I think my emotions are going berserk! I'm elated one day and completely miserable the next. My brain doesn't really know how to react anymore. Ha!

  7. Oh you poor thing. I know that feeling, wanting to hope, but so afraid of having hopes dashed. I hope that you get good news and that everything continues to go well. Your symptoms sound spot on to me!

    • admin

      Thank you, thank you, thank you! The biggest gift you gave to me was your understanding–that's what we all want, right? Yes, if this pregnancy was okay based on the symptoms, I would have to agree with you! (Which makes sense to me and my own experiences.)

  8. I don't have any experience with this, but thinking lots of sticky thoughts!

  9. I really truly hope everything is fine. You're in my thoughts. *hugs*

  10. Melanie Jacobson

    Congratulations? And you'll be fine. It will hard, but you will be well. I know it.

    • admin

      Perfect response. Yes, whatever the outcome things will be okay. But the experience is not pleasant at all.

  11. First off, congratulations! But, wow, what a rollar-coaster of emotions I bet you're feeling. When can you get another ultrasound to try and get that heartbeat?

    Whatever the outcome, we'll all be praying for you and hoping for the best. Good luck girl, PLEASE let me know if you need anything (I can come grab the kids)!

    • admin

      Thank you, Kristen! I have an ultrasound scheduled for next Tuesday. It's with my primary care physician and she does not sugar coat things–exactly what I need.

      I will let you know. You are so sweet just to offer and I will take you up on it!

  12. Allyson

    You and your family are in our prayers, Amber! Let us know if there is anything we can do for you, even though we're miles away!

  13. Big hug and lots of faith! You are in our prayers.

  14. So happy for you. Of course you're scared and conflicted. (How could you not be?) But you're fortunate that you can read your body so well (I was able to do that as well – and felt so lucky on that score). Sounds like things are going along as they should be – for you.

    We'll all be here sending good thoughts, virtual hugs, special whispers, and ready to support you through the next months – any way we can.


  15. Oh Amber, so sorry I am coming late to this conversation. Congratulations. Embrace what is. Hugs my friend and I am filled with so much hope for you and yours.

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  17. B'sha'ah Tovah!! That's what we say when we find out someone is pregnant. It means "at the right time," since, as you know, things do not always go as we plan. However, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that this time things go well. And good luck with the nausea and all the icky feelings. I'm sure that with everything you're going through, you're like a pro at being compassionate to other people!

  18. CK

    Amber! Thank you for sharing your news. I can only imagine how hard it is to hope for yourself right now. But you are strong. You are courageous. You are amazing.

    You, your family and your pregnancy are in my prayers.

    I am so, so hopeful for you.

  19. Congratulations, with hope and prayer that further congratulations will be in order before long.

  20. I 'd like to reiterate exactly what CK said above. I am so, so hopeful for you. And yes, this takes courage. The act of living — and all its challenges and surprises — takes more courage than I believe I am ever able to muster. But I do. We do. You will.

  21. Jen

    Congrats to you, Amber. I know it's been a difficult road. I hope at the end of this stretch there's a beautiful new baby waiting to meet you. You are an amazing woman, and you're in my thoughts. I look forward to reading about the parts of your journey you choose to courageously share.

  22. Excited and anxious and happy and scared for you. Giving it over to God…