A Very Bleak Future Indeed

I think I have ostracized each of you.  I deeply apologize.  My emotions are much more stable when thinking about the miscarriage.  I also don’t feel so fragile.  (That doesn’t mean I’m willing to talk about it, yet, just that I’m not as easily wounded.)  I feel more comfortable talking about certain aspects of what happened, just not confronting what it might mean for the future.  So, for now, I will skirt the issue.  Please don’t feel uncomfortable e-mailing me.  I value my friendship with each of you.

WARNING: Graphic and extremely sarcastic post ahead.  Proceed with caution and don’t eat while reading.  Thank you.

When walking into the store to buy pads or diapers, we inevitably pass through the incontinence section.  Since Ben and I are so mature, we always crack some lame joke about one of us needing it and giggling like high school boys.

Little did I know, Ben would soon have a legitimate reason to mock me.

Wednesday found me taking care of the kids without any help.  As usual, since Saturday (when the whole m business went down), I was having my bleed fest and making regular trips to the bathroom.  I noticed I only had 6 pads.  I didn’t think anything of it.

But when I went through 4 in 2 hours, I started feeling a little concerned.  I mean, I couldn’t very well go to the store while pints of blood poured from my vagina–you know?  So I thought about plan B.

Unfortunately, before a plan actually formulated, I was on the last one.

“Um, how long can I stretch this pad out,” I thought.  My answer came quickly enough.  “Mommy!  Blood!” Emily cried while pointing to my pants.

“Sh**,” I thought (and maybe said but I seemed to have blanked that moment out).

I looked across the room and saw the diaper box.

I did the only reasonable thing I could think of.

“Emily! Can you give me a diaper?!” I said while running to the bathroom.  Soon I heard the pattering of her feet across the carpet and into the bathroom.

“Here Mommy! Oh no! Blood!”  Emily said, with a very devastated voice.

“Dear God, please do not allow Emily to remember this when she gets older,” I thought, calculating the expense for the years of counseling she would need.

“Thanks!” I said as I took the diaper from her and attached it to my underwear.

Now I can say I have something in common with babies and the elderly population.

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24 Comments

Filed under Awesomeness

24 responses to “A Very Bleak Future Indeed

  1. You have not ostracized anyone. I have been feeling the same way since the passing of my sister. Because to be honest, for a while I couldn't deal with the emails. It was so comforting to know there were there. But I couldn't respond to them. I felt too fragile. Too raw. It's getting better now. But I know or at least relate to how you are feeling. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. Please don't feel like you have to respond. I love you.

  2. I just call that resourceful. Oh, and it may be better then what my two year old saw yesterday when I was at the doctor about some pain in my belly. I'll say no more. You're welcome.

  3. This made me laugh! I think that was a very smart move, one I probably wouldn't have thought of until it was TOO late. Nice work. 🙂

  4. Hi Amber, good for you for being resourceful. This made me think of communities of young women and girls who are kept out of schools and other opportunities for not having pads or tampons to stem the flow of bleeding. Monthly. Hard to believe this still happens, and on a large scale, today. But thanks to Eve Ensler, fewer folks wince and gasp when we use the word vagina.

    • admin

      Thank you for your comment, Belinda. Eve Ensler has made the word more accessible to the public but too many women deal with the consequences of their natural cycles in different cultures.

  5. The good ones will still be around through the good and the bad.

    I remember sitting in the hospital bed waiting for my DNC or D&C (I have no idea which) and being totally shocked at the amount of blood coming out of me. It sort of adds to the sense of tragedy: something really bad is happening.

    You get to deal with this however you want; sarcasm is a completely understandable choice.

  6. Oh honey, I'm just so, so sorry for you. Heart aching. Stay strong. Keep your humor. Look at the sky, look way up high.

  7. Deal however you have to deal. We just want to help you find your strength … and some time to make a grocery-store run. =>

  8. I hope you can feel all the love coming your way and know that no one's fed up with you or impatient or any of the things you're thinking. For some miserable reason, you have to trod this path. That doesn't mean you have to be happy about it or go quietly. I wish I had been as courageous to yell and be angry when I had my miscarriages, rather than cover up all my pain. Much love.

  9. Sara

    LOL. It is amazing what we put up with. When Emily gets to the age she is menstrating she will probably be grateful she doesn't bleed that much.

    • admin

      I suppose that's true. It's all about perspective, right? I wouldn't wish a miscarriage on her or anyone so hopefully when she becomes an adult it's something she will be blessed to avoid.

  10. It seems to me your resourcefulness is right on track… Now about those elderly (cough, choke)… Shoot. I don't think I have diapers in the house. Maybe some dusty pull-ups?

    • admin

      When it comes to incontinence, I can't claim to not have my own issues. Having children takes more than just money, huh Wolf? ; )

      • ShannonL

        Yeah, I make fun of "old" people who use diapers, but unfortunately I think I might become one of them! I just cough too hard now and I dribble a bit! :-D. Good thinking with the diaper! Thinking of you! xo

      • Just chuckling. . . Yes indeed. . .

  11. Elizabeth P.

    You know Amber, I wouldn've run to the store for you in a heart beat….but this makes a much better story! Good thing you've got such a great helper!

    • admin

      I didn't even think of that. I figured Ben was close enough to coming home that it wasn't that big of a deal, you know? Alas, Ben had a doctor's appointment that I had forgotten about and didn't get home until 2 hours after he usually does. Go figure.

  12. I hate to say that I've been in just about the very same position as you and if I had diapers around then, I probably would have used one, too. Fortunately, I believe my then-husband was home and I sent him to the store while I waited impatiently on the toilet. You have to do what you have to do.

  13. Amber, you have to do what works. In India, many women don't have access to tampons and pads and they use a cloth rag for the bleeding. In light of that, I think a diaper sounds great.

    Thinking about you too. Sending hugs and love your way Amber. xoxo

  14. Sweet friend, you are a marvel. And humor in the face of adversity is my own drug of choice.

    Sending you much love, giant hugs, and lots and lots of absorbent undergarments. xo

  15. That is frankly hilarious!

  16. This reminds me of a friend who made a makeshift pad out of duct tape, toilet paper, gauze, and an old sock. It was a very McGyver moment that she couldn't help but tell us all about.

  17. You are awesome. Since my IUD, I've not needed feminine hygeine like products. Since my daughter is, uh, forgetful about informing me about her supplies, we've had some close calls. Reading this post is the first time I've ever thought, "too bad none of my kids are in diapers."

    Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you. It just majorly sucks, and there is no way to get around that.

  18. CK

    (((hugs)))

    I'm so sorry, Amber.