Closing Shop and Other Housekeeping Items

After I went public with my disaffection/break/discontent (whatever you want to call it) from the Mormon church–the church of my upbringing–I have had conflicting feelings.  On the one hand, I want to talk about my experiences because it shaped me as a child and continues shaping me as I grow older.  (My entire mindset is Mormon–I see things from a Mormon worldview; I view religion-related things from a Mormon perspective; and many of my friends are/were Mormon.)  On the other hand, I do not want to isolate those who continue to believe in the tenets of Mormonism and, in my mind, religion in all its forms.  It isn’t that I am trying to convince people to join me in my agnosticism/atheism, it’s that I am working through my past beliefs in order to integrate them into the person I am now and the person I am becoming.

I don’t feel I am being anti-Mormon, but understand the Mormon mindset which makes certain topics uncomfortable.   But, to be frank, it isn’t just Mormonism that I have issues with.  It is God, Jesus Christ, the scriptures, and the history of all Judeo-Christian religions.  I am open to exploring different religions and am also open to opinions that are different from my own. Heck, if you have an experience that is or was similar to mine, and you stayed faithful to whatever religion you currently are, tell me about it!

However, you are formally warned that I will be sharing my religious experiences and why I feel the way I do now.  It will be thoughtful and may also be hard to read.  So if you are uncomfortable with that and wish to say something that is not conducive to respectful conversation, do so at your own risk.  That is to say, I will not respond to hurtful comments.  In fact, I will delete your words forever.  At the same time, I have a forgiving heart.  Just be respectful to me and my views (and, by all means, disagree with me!) and I will be respectful to you.

All this is a lengthy explanation for my new Facebook rules.  I will be trimming down my current friends to those who are close friends and/or relatives.  I will not be talking about my religious angst, my political opinions, or anything that might be controversial on that account.  Instead, I have opened a new account that is dedicated to all the above plus a few other things that I will discuss a little later in this post.  You are welcome to friend me.  I am not picky and will accept everyone, who is not crazy and/or a friend whore, who asks.  I might seek you out because I am interested in what you have to say.  Again, you can find that new account here.   If you are not into that sort of thing, you are also welcome to “like” my blog.  It won’t be nearly as fun as my new account, but will apprise you of new blog posts.

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My second piece of business is more momma-related.  Y’all know that I struggle with intense mental illness, right?  (If you don’t, where have you been?) (Kidding.)  As I am figuring out how to handle it (yes, my medication does not make it all better, I must do other things to keep me level), I realize that most of my current stress comes from being a mom.  To two toddlers.  To help me see the bright side of some crazy days, I will be posting quotes and/or experiences from the day to my new Facebook account‘s wall.  So if you are annoyed by that kind of thing, be warned.  It is something I realize helps me see things in a less hazy way.  I love my kids.  Oh I love them.  But mental illness often clouds my perspective and I need a metaphorical Windex-like product to wipe my windows clean.  And this is the idea that came to me.  So I’m going to try it.

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Numero three.  I am revamping my weekly supporting parents write-up.  Look for more details soon.

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And finally, I am taking a short break to recuperate and tackle this enormous to-do list I have.  I will most likely continue reading your blogs but need some time to gather my own thoughts before returning to writing. This whole exploration of my new feminist/religious/philosophical self is exhausting.  Literally, I pass out every day quickly because my mind is teeming with information, comments, ideas, etc.  Also, my to-do list is full of things with actual deadlines.  Deadlines that are coming up real fast.  Yikes.  So I must dedicate more time to completing these tasks (which include some exciting new adventures, I’ll keep you posted) before the end of the month.  I will continue with the Supporting Parents posts because I really do believe in my original idea and because it helps me look over my parenting with an objective magnifying glass.

If you are still reading this long post, kudos to you.

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19 Comments

Filed under Random Thoughts

19 responses to “Closing Shop and Other Housekeeping Items

  1. You go, girl! You know I'm here, to listen and support you, in everything you do/say/blog! Good for you!

  2. I will always be here reading and I look forward to it. Love the windex analogy btw – that makes such sense to me. xox

  3. Having been raised Catholic, I get the whole still-Mormon but not still Mormon thing. BIG TIME. I consider myself a recovering Catholic, but being raised that way does have a lingering effect.
    Good luck!

  4. Amber, does your husband feel the same way about the church? Just curious. I know when spouses aren't on the same page regarding religion, it can be a strain on the marriage.

    • It's funny, Kristina, because we've been going through this journey together. I don't talk about him on here because his story is not mine to share. However, we have grown stronger through this process than through anything else we've gone through. And, yes, he feels similar to me.

  5. Laura

    I love that all this is exhausting to you. No one realizes what hard work it is being a thinking/feeling mom (aka superhero incognito). 🙂 I have to say though, I have wrestled with a lot of things and dealt with depression to an extent and I am still a firm believer. I've had certain experiences that have really made me confront what I was taught as a child and interestingly enough, my outcome was quite the opposite of yours. It made my convictions of truth even stronger. Having said this, I would never try to convince you of anything. I realize that you are not me and you've got to do what you feel you've got to do. Can we still be friends? I do find your topics very riveting. If you can believe this, my concentration in my English major at BYU was women's studies (of my own study–this was not an organized area of concentration), yep–feminism, rights, equality, history, you got it. Best wishes to you!

  6. While I have different opinions than you on religion – I don't see why that has to change anything. I have different opinions from a lot of people – and yet, I am still friends with them, converse with them, or read their blogs. I may not comment on the religious-based posts if I don't have something to share, but that doesn't mean your words shouldn't spill out on to the screen.. and doesn't mean I will not read.
    Can't wait for you to be back.. .though it's a comfort to know I won't miss anything around here while I'm gone.. Husband has planned a ten day roadtrip through nine states and we leave tomorrow… Unfortunately the midwest is not on the agenda this time around :(…

  7. Celia

    I will be hear reading, Amber! We are all entitled to our own opinions and views. If anyone has been rude or passed judgment, that is something they need to work on. I am sorry your days are so long with two little ones. I can't imagine all the stress! However, I know you are strong enough to handle just about anything.

  8. Raquel Dias

    Hi Amber How are you?? My life around here it is brazy because I'm attending college right now. I'm sorry for everything that you went trought. I can not judge you but I think I can try to give my thoughts about that. Whatch this video on you tube . Just think about this guy

    . The Lord works in many ways, we murmured always, everybody does, but are just going to understand when the time comes, we will understand at the end. All the pionners lost so much, but they were always faithful and they kept going. Don't get me wrong . We love you all e miss you all. Hope in someway I could help. I really wish we were living closer.

  9. Sounds like a throughly beautiful (in its full sunshine-wielding, heart-breaking, raw glory) life to me. Best wishes with everything!

  10. Kristen @ Motherese

    I'm here, girl, and always will be. Take the time you need to process all of the changes you are experiencing. I can't wait to see what's in store. xo

  11. Christy

    Dear Amber, How does a person leave a comment on a blog and really express all their emotions and care for a person? My heart has been broken for you because I care about you. I understand the depression and many of the questions you have asked. I have come to a very different answer that has brought much peace and purpose in my life. KIds are hard, religion can be hard, but we dont have to do it alone. Take a break fora while and maybe return to some of your original questions later. I have learned that just because I dont always understand God surely doesnt mean He isnt there at all. I wish I could talk with you in person. You have left a place where you could have safely expressed some of these thoughts and worked through them with friends who care.

  12. I think it takes tremendous amount of courage to talk about your "disenchantment" (or however it could be correctly named) because not only would it potentially isolate you from a large part of your social circles, it could also negate a large part of your "existence" (if we consider ourselves made up of memories, upbringings, and so on). My 13 year old who is going through Catholic confirmation this year is going through this, I believe. He's just started: he's mentioned that he thinks he's an atheist but he is all confused about everything because the religious ed classes he's "forced" to attend every Saturday. I feel bad about this. But as one half of his parents, I cannot say anything about this: it is between him and the Catholic parent, i.e. my husband. I think my son got a breakthrough today – "I am doing this for grandma." It pangs me for him to go through this, and he is not even surrounded by Catholic teachings on a day to day basis. Basically the only time Catholic religion is mentioned is during the religious ed classes and when my husband feels like going to church (yup. Twice a year Catholics. You've heard of those…) Sorry for the long rambling. Basically what I am trying to say is: if it is confusing for my son and painful for me to sit and watch and unable to do anything about this, I cannot even imagine what you are going through. PLUS the two toddlers who depend on you.

    Take time for yourself. Best wishes. xxoo

  13. Here, my friend. I'm not going anywhere.

  14. The only thing I feel badly for you about is that it seems you feel you need to explain or justify yourself. Your true friends will know you and not need that. I am here and supportive of you all the way (you are not alone in your struggles with depression – I just haven't voiced mine as much.) Good luck getting your to-do list done.

  15. Christine

    Here for you always, and however you need it. Take care, that's a lot of stuff!

  16. Alex U

    Amber! I think you're making a wise choice both Facebook and blog wise 🙂 I do a little fbook house cleaning every six months (don't worry, you made the cut!). Just wanted to say that if you ever want to get together and talk religion/faith/God/etc that's my thing! I miss the religion major days so I'd love an excuse to put down the biochem and go to coffee! Benny boy too! I think you're at a really interesting/exciting/scary place for you; where we begin to realize that Truth transcends dogma and that what we believed before isn't necessarily completely wrong, but it isn't the whole truth. My family patronizes St. Theresa de Lisieux and there's a wonderful treatsie of hers about the dark night of the soul. Very comforting 🙂 Not trying to sway you to my worldview at all, just speaking from my own experience 🙂

    But yes, keep me in mind for a coffee break and keep your chin up 🙂 You are great, Ben is great, the kids are great. And that's what counts!

    … and I'm demanding Ben makes dinner again soon. Just saying. 🙂

  17. Thank you for sharing your journey. It is scary to talk about. And I'm right with you, I'm just wrestling through my questions, not out to "convert" anyone.