I have a serious illness: Sarcastic Foot in the Mouth disease.
It seems that most people naturally have what is called a “stopper” in their brains. This physical component stops words and/or sentences from coming out that could be taken the wrong way. It also allows a person to think things through carefully before they say something they might be embarrassed about later. It also reminds them that not everyone appreciates OR understands sarcasm.
Unfortunately, I was born without a “stopper” in it. This genetic deformity affects 1% of the population, making it rare and deadly. A baby develops it during the 2nd trimester when the mother overdoses on TV comedies or is around second-hand teenage sarcasm.
When I was little, my parents tried everything to cure my disease. They would say things like “think before you speak,” and “remember to not say things that could be hurtful.” I would carefully process these directions; but, the next day, I would inevitably say something followed by turning red, apologizing profusely, and thinking about it incessantly all night long.
I believe it has gotten better now that I am an adult. I usually only say things 2-5 times a week that cause horrible discomfort in the evening.
The big problem is, I often don’t recognize the problem. I process things this way “wow, this could turn into a serious conversation unless I say [whatever pops into my head] immediately.” With most of my friends, they laugh at my silliness and we can all move on. There are some people, though, that look at me like I am the craziest person on the planet and think thoughts like, “who says that?”
Me. That’s who.
Some examples include, well-placed miscarriage jokes/sarcasm: “The next time I get pregnant, I will be taking bets on how long it lasts,” or, when asked if we will be having more children, “Oh sure I’ll get pregnant! It’s much easier to have more kids when I know I won’t actually be having more kids;” telling people how I beat my children into submission by saying things like “if you scream at me one more time, I will smother you with kisses;” finally, I push my atheism on people by reminding them they don’t need religion because I AM perfect; thus, if they emulate MY behaviours, they will be good in the next life.
See? I’m a goner.
I have talked with numerous doctors. They say there are only two options for cases like mine: immediately start taking an anti-sarcasm pill or go through intense electric shock therapy to re-wire my brain to THINK before it speaks.
As both of these will require a great deal of sacrifice on my part, I think I will forego both options and relegate myself to a life full of sarcasm and a mouth consistently occupied by a foot.