I really enjoy choosing titles that have dual meanings. Like this one. It’s me saying good-bye to Nablopomo, officially (and early, again). It also means saying good-bye to something else that many of you weren’t even informed of yet.
I found myself unexpectedly pregnant a few weeks ago. As this would be our fourth attempt at a third baby, I was quite pessimistic about the outcome. However, my body gave me many indications that this one would stick: I was horribly sick; I started losing weight (from sickness); my back, hips, and, well, everything ached all day long; I was excessively emotional–crying, laughing, angry, and sassy; and my bladder did not have much room (that’s a nice way of saying I was peeing constantly).
After a couple weeks of this, with things gradually progressing as they should, I even allowed hope to slip under my blanket of negativity. My husband and I started considering names and other exciting things (like how we would do the birth, where we would place the baby, etc).
Everything changed on Tuesday night. Unexpectedly, I started spotting. Now, spotting doesn’t necessarily indicate miscarriage; however, in my case, it has always led to more bleeding and, eventually, miscarriage. So when I saw that, after having a great evening with my husband, everything fell apart. I fell apart. Deep within in my heart, a sob rose. When it released, it took me a while to realize it was coming from my mouth.
The next morning, I made the split-second decision to go to work anyway. I knew that I was miscarrying and I couldn’t stand the thought of staying home with nothing to do. As expected, I started bleeding heavily with a bit of cramping. I only broke down once the whole day–that is, until I went home. I ended up falling asleep at 8 pm.
As for today, everything intensified. I had to leave work because pain medicine was not working.
Emotionally, I just don’t know how I feel. I do feel the typical anger, sadness, betrayal, and bitterness. But I phase through each so rapidly that it’s hard to determine how I am feeling at any point.
I do have a general sense that nothing is right in my world. To explain what I mean by that would be impossible, but I suppose it accurately represents how upside down and inside out I feel. Or, as a good friend said, disbelief and denial. Like I am living a nightmare that I will hopefully wake up from soon.
Fantastical thinking, I know.
And there you have it. The cold, hard truth.
On that note, I will not be closing the comments this time; however, I will not be responding to any correspondence yet. Maybe over the month I will find the energy to do so. Right now I am just trying to live and not fall into a hole of despair. So. Yeah. That’s all I have.