I'm Speechless

In walked the doctor, with his clipboard full of test results from the blood they had drawn two weeks earlier.  I sat on the examination table, with Ben across from me, waiting to hear what the doctor had found and still unsure of what I might do with the information.

Doctor: “Well your lab results came back with some interesting information: You’re pregnant.”

Me: [Eyes wide, breathing rapid, surprise written all over my body.] “You’re kidding, right? And will you please repeat what you just said?”

Doctor: “No, I’m serious.  The nurse did the test like you requested and two lines quickly appeared.”

Me: “Uh.” [Lots of nervous laughter.]

Cue the sarcastic side.

Me: Well thanks for ruining my day.

*****

When I wrote about worry, I was referring to test results from the blood they had drawn at the [above] appointment, measuring my hCG levels and Progesterone.  I wasn’t expecting any phone calls until Thursday, after they had drawn more blood to see if the hCG was doubling and that the Progesterone was increasing.

The news came back yesterday very positive, my initial levels were around 156, which indicated pregnancy.   After the second draw, my levels increased to 333 and the Progesterone rose to 16.5.

So, I guess I’m pregnant.  Again.

*****

Because I haven’t had a period post-miscarriage, I have no idea how far along I am.  With a very narrow time frame for when I could have gotten pregnant, I am pretty sure it happened sometime within the last two weeks.  Since there is no certainty of when I ovulated, I, and the doctor, must rely on hCG levels to determine everything, and based on those results I am around 2 weeks.  Holy shoot.

While it might seem surprising that I am sharing this news so early, I have nothing to lose (no pun intended).  This pregnancy will either stick or it won’t.  I have gone through 4 miscarriages and know the drill, I know what my chances are and what most results mean when they come in.

However, I am feeling more optimistic than I ever did with the last four.  This was unintentionally caught super early, which means I can start the Progesterone and other medications right as the blastocyst implants, a critical time in my obstetric history.

Thanks to my hypochondriac tendencies after every miscarriage, I am sure I am pregnant within a couple of weeks.  I remain ill and hurting for up to 3 months post loss, and never know what that means.  So, to give my mind and body a rest, I asked for a pregnancy test so I could see negative results.

That plan backfired.

What I must fight now is the constant tension I feel throughout my body.  I worry.  Constantly.  Every morning, noon, and night I practice the breathing I learned through hypnobirthing to relax my body and make things as hospitable as I can for the embryo.

The next few months are going to be TOUGH.

But I am so glad I have this place where, with you, I am making the moments count.

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16 Comments

Filed under Pregnancy

16 responses to “I'm Speechless

  1. Di

    Well, at this stage, regardless of what has gone before, this is as good as it gets for anyone. Of course it is still stressful – that goes for anyone who knows enough to know the what-ifs. Don’t let the what-ifs have control. Let the here-and-now moments string together, one at a time. Like little pearls. Very happy news. Thanks so much for the update.

  2. Sending lots of love and deep breathing for the next couple of months …

  3. Celia

    Holy wow amazing surprise! I went to your blog first thing morning, hoping for an update. I was so worried and definitely not expecting you to share news like this! I’m sending you so many good thoughts. I also think it’s great you’re using hypnobirthing techniques to relax. You are amazing.

  4. O my goodness you must be totally shocked. Lots of hugs and peace sent your way!

  5. Breath my friend. Breath.

  6. JoAnna

    Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

  7. Sending so many positive thoughts your way! xoxo

  8. Sending all my most positive and wonderful thoughts along with hugs and whispers.

    I’m glad you’re here and sharing with us. I’m glad we’re here for you, whenever you need us.

  9. Whew! What a whirlwind that day must have been!

    Just know that we are celebrating with you and holding you in our thoughts for a smooth, eventless pregnancy. We’ll be here throughout (which you may either take as comfort or a threat ;))

  10. Hugs, love, and crossed fingers for you and Ben. xo

  11. Aww, Amber! 🙂 I’m sending you lots and lots of good thoughts! xoxoxo

  12. Laura J.

    First off: I like that you said Holy Shoot. 🙂 That made me giggle. Second: HOLY SHOOT!!! Whatever the outcome this time, I’m praying for your well-being AND sanity. Best wishes. Enjoy your holiday break from work.

  13. Elizabeth P.

    Amber, I hope you and your family enjoy a wonderful Christmas season together! Much love!

  14. Sending love and strength to you and Ben. xoxo

  15. Wowza.

    My friend and I just talked about giving that voice (of worry, of impatience with yourself, etc.) a name, and chatting with her when she’s threatening to take over. e.g., “Elvira, we need to talk. You are getting out of control here. Go back to your corner and be quiet. And excuse me while I go kiss my kids’ faces and watch them play.”

  16. HOLY CRAP!!! Praying, praying, praying.