Why I Don't Look to the Future

I am ten weeks today and crying that we’ve made it this far.

When I wake up and remember that I’m still pregnant, I feel my heart jumping for joy.  I would join in if I weren’t laid up with HG.  And if I weren’t struggling with incontinence.

I have had several questions regarding this pregnancy: how I want to do this birth, if we are going to find out the gender, etc.  Honestly, I don’t think about those things.  I am enjoying living day-to-day while not worrying about the future.  The future will happen; but this day-to-day stuff can’t be repeated.  Even if the routine includes bed rest, weight loss, incessant nausea, and medicine taken frequently to limit the vomiting.

Even though I had to quit my job, I’ve spent more quality time with the kids than I have in a while.  With things changing–from pregnancy to ideology–I am finding more value in the extra time I have with Emily and Andrew.

When I quit my job, I didn’t feel sadness.  It’s not that I didn’t like working, it’s that quitting felt right.

See, the truth is, this will be my last pregnancy.  When the HG started, I felt relieved in knowing that I would need to quit.  It meant more time to enjoy the pregnancy, my babies, and figure out what I want with my future.  (Also, I will be starting my Master’s program in a couple of months. This would’ve been doable with full-time employment had I not been pregnant.) This is a special time that I can actually slow down and I feel lucky for this opportunity.

I don’t know what the future holds but I do know that I am enjoying the present.

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9 Comments

Filed under Pregnancy

9 responses to “Why I Don't Look to the Future

  1. Yay for 10 weeks! I’ve been thinking of you and hoping you’re doing well. Sounds like you most definitely are. xoxo

  2. Amen sister! Celebrate today and inhale every moment of your pregnancy. When I knew that my baby would be my last, I tried to take as much of it in as I could knowing that I would never feel any of this again. So even the discomfort was relished in an odd way. Hurray for ten weeks! I’m so happy for you.

  3. 10 weeks! That’s awesome Amber. Enjoy every minute of it. 🙂
    I have the hardest time staying focused on the present, but it’s something I’m working on – to enjoy every minute of our family of 2 before we add to it, instead of worrying about all that other stuff.. unfortunately I’m a researchaholic so I’m always reading stuff that unfocuses me from the present haha.

  4. Congrats on 10 weeks. Be here now sounds like a great way to embrace what it is. Sending positive vibes your way.

  5. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. Jumping up and down for you!

  6. This is how we can “do it all” – one piece at a time! I was working part time when I did my master’s and I had two kids who were in school/pre-school. Also, Amber, I am so happy for you that you have reached a point where you know this is your final pregnancy. It gives a different feel to the enjoyment of it.

  7. I’m still hoping and praying for you.

  8. The future will come, but now passes – lovely. I’m struggling with that right now. Virtual jumping up and down… because real jumps would be bad right about now.

  9. This sickness sounds dreadful. To be wishing away the pregnancy (even for a moment) when you’ve wanted it so badly, means you are miserable. Dear One. You have my heart.