When Darkness Prevails

I’ve mentioned before how the severe sickness of this pregnancy has often left me wanting a miscarriage and even considering abortion (actually, I might not have mentioned that).  Even when things finally started getting better, and I could move around a little bit more, I have had moments of despair and bitterness.

“What’s the point,” I’ve said to my husband.  “It will probably end soon and I will have given up food, drink, and many other things for no reason.”

Before you criticize me for thinking negative thoughts, you must understand one thing.  I not only have been horribly sick and unable to parent, work, or do anything productive, I haven’t been able to take my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications for various reasons (too sick to keep it down, interacts with my anti-nausea medication, etc).  Since pregnancy can increase mental illness symptoms, not being able to take my medication has been a struggle.  I’ve had symptoms that I haven’t felt in over a year! From disturbing thoughts and dreams to thoughts and wishes of suicide and/or abortion, I feel like time has stopped and I will be stuck forever in this first trimester hell.

It’s not easy to write or acknowledge these dark moments in my life.  I would much rather hide them under a rock.  But I know that by admitting this, my group of friends and supporters increases greatly. You know the idea that when you publicly make a goal, you have some sort of accountability? It’s kind of like that;  see, it’s harder to do something rash when I know there are people out there thinking good thoughts and praying to their version of God that everything will turn out okay with this pregnancy.

There have been moments that I’ve let darkness prevail and I can’t pretend that it won’t happen again.  In fact, I’m not even going to end this with something like “I felt bad then but now I have hope, etc etc!”  I am acknowledging that this has been a severe struggle for me.  The HG, the previous miscarriages, and mental illness have really knocked me down.    I am irritated with my kids, with my husband, and have practically eliminated contact with the outside world (except Facebook and this blog).

Don’t take this as a cry for help, take it as me reaching out for hope.  If you have some, would you mind sharing?  And maybe, just maybe, I will make it through this last stretch of pregnancy-induced sickness and return to a semi-normal state.

P.S. As soon as I can stop taking this anti-nausea medication, I can start taking my medications again.  It’s unfortunate that I must choose between throwing up and medication, but that’s the beauty of hyperemesis gravidarum. I can’t wait to tell HG to eff off, if you know what I’m saying.

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13 Comments

Filed under Pregnancy

13 responses to “When Darkness Prevails

  1. I’m not sure I can share anything that can help, but I will pray for you and I’m wishing right along with you that you can feel better way quickly!!

    You are right, and sharing all these things just means that you are brave, and it helps others to know they aren’t the only ones out there dealing with hard things in life. Thank you for being so open.

    HUGS

  2. I have TONS of hope to spare, and I’m showering you with it right now! Oh, honey, I can’t say I’ve been in your place, but I CAN say that you are being so strong. I’m proud of your heart and your courage. Keep on keepin’ on!

  3. Sharing that takes real guts. I always find that putting it out there makes it so much better. I hope that is true for you too.

  4. Sending along all the hope I can muster. Just the fact that you’re aware and brave enough to write this is a good sign that everything will be fine. xoxo

  5. Melanie

    Dearest Amber! I was, from time to time, in the blackest despair during my 20s and I’m so grateful that I didn’t impose a permanent solution on a temporary situation! I came very close indeed to ending it all. I overcame it by getting very angry at the source of my pain, but when its your own body? I don’t know. However, when I came to the realization that a temporary situation wasn’t worth my life, I began repeating these affirmations: This too shall pass. It always gets better. I will be happy again. I’ll be happy again when this is over.

    Pick one or all. They worked for me so I hope they will help you get past this temporary darkness. Your body is temporarily imposing its sickness on your mind and IT WILL GET BETTER!!! You will be happy again and boy will you be grateful that the world looks so beautiful and hopeful once more.

    Women are stronger then men and I know you are a very strong woman. You have two and a quarter kids and a husband to spend the rest of your life with so do everything within your power to pull yourself out of this funk.

    We love you and wish you were closer so we could take care of you. Love & Kisses,

    Melanie

  6. I could hear the pain in your recent writing. Hang on. I hope that the HG gets better so you can get back on your medication soon, because I remember those days of wanting to die. You are going to make it! We are all hear to support you and listen to you. Email me for a phone number if you need someone to call and cry.

  7. If I could do battle with that nasty HG, I would.
    If I could send hope straight into your veins, I would.

    Your strength is amazing.

  8. I am so glad you’re sharing…because I’m sure you’re not the only one who has this issue. I am praying for you! Does that help? Probably not…but I’m doing it anyway!

  9. I was just thinking the other day about you and about the courage with which you face this HG thing. Sharing here on your blog is just another example of it.

    This WILL pass. And you are stronger than you think you are. And it’s ok, by the same token, to say THIS IS HARD. And to say it as often as you need to.

    Because it IS.

  10. Extending my hands and offering hope Amber. Hang in there. xoxo

  11. I have struggled with issues of hope – and getting through dark times – for reasons other than yours, Amber. But I know what it is to feel as though there is no light at the end of a long tunnel.

    I also know the joy of giving life, and continuing to guide and love a child. I know you are more than aware of that particular grace – and hell – and you’re living both at the moment, perhaps with the hellacious side of things the stronger.

    My pregnancies were no fun, but certainly not what you’re going through. The light at the end of your dark tunnel, God willing, will be another healthy child. That’s a miracle, Amber. Each and every life we hold in our arms is a miracle.

    Hang on to that, if you can. You know it already better than most of us. But hang on. Your light is a matter of months away.

    Sending hugs.

  12. I can’t make it better, but I can say that I feel more educated about HG and its affect on pregnant women. Not only has your honesty allowed us to reach out to you, it has made the world a more understanding place for other women suffering with the disorder. They would thank you for that if they knew.

  13. Oh Amber! You know you are doing the right thing by talking/writing about your darkest thoughts because we will all be here to help you. I know from my own dark moments that I post some very personal stuff when I need the most help. I’m sorry that you are going through this. I hope the nausea settles down a bit so you can at least enjoy some food.