I’ve mentioned before how the severe sickness of this pregnancy has often left me wanting a miscarriage and even considering abortion (actually, I might not have mentioned that). Even when things finally started getting better, and I could move around a little bit more, I have had moments of despair and bitterness.
“What’s the point,” I’ve said to my husband. “It will probably end soon and I will have given up food, drink, and many other things for no reason.”
Before you criticize me for thinking negative thoughts, you must understand one thing. I not only have been horribly sick and unable to parent, work, or do anything productive, I haven’t been able to take my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications for various reasons (too sick to keep it down, interacts with my anti-nausea medication, etc). Since pregnancy can increase mental illness symptoms, not being able to take my medication has been a struggle. I’ve had symptoms that I haven’t felt in over a year! From disturbing thoughts and dreams to thoughts and wishes of suicide and/or abortion, I feel like time has stopped and I will be stuck forever in this first trimester hell.
It’s not easy to write or acknowledge these dark moments in my life. I would much rather hide them under a rock. But I know that by admitting this, my group of friends and supporters increases greatly. You know the idea that when you publicly make a goal, you have some sort of accountability? It’s kind of like that; see, it’s harder to do something rash when I know there are people out there thinking good thoughts and praying to their version of God that everything will turn out okay with this pregnancy.
There have been moments that I’ve let darkness prevail and I can’t pretend that it won’t happen again. In fact, I’m not even going to end this with something like “I felt bad then but now I have hope, etc etc!” I am acknowledging that this has been a severe struggle for me. The HG, the previous miscarriages, and mental illness have really knocked me down. I am irritated with my kids, with my husband, and have practically eliminated contact with the outside world (except Facebook and this blog).
Don’t take this as a cry for help, take it as me reaching out for hope. If you have some, would you mind sharing? And maybe, just maybe, I will make it through this last stretch of pregnancy-induced sickness and return to a semi-normal state.
P.S. As soon as I can stop taking this anti-nausea medication, I can start taking my medications again. It’s unfortunate that I must choose between throwing up and medication, but that’s the beauty of hyperemesis gravidarum. I can’t wait to tell HG to eff off, if you know what I’m saying.