Questioning Words

My brain is full of words.

Two to four essays plus 2-4 lengthy papers a week.

Discussions with peers.

Writing, writing, writing.

But where to find the time?  And the energy?  If I weren’t so close to finishing this quarter (3.5 weeks), I’d consider calling it quits.  With the tables turned and Ben supporting me through grad school – in a nontraditional manner as he works full-time and I am both a graduate student and stay-at-home mom – it’s amazing how many words remain unsaid between us.  As I teeter from complete breakdowns to feeling on top of everything.

Mostly, the word is why.  Why did I decide to pursue a graduate degree now?  With two kids, 3 and 2, and another on the way (making it 3, 2, newborn)?

I suppose it’s my crazy feminist-like belief that a woman should not neglect her dreams any more than a man should.  I also believed that all that support I provided my husband through his years of undergraduate education and that partial year of medical school (when, despite his being near the top of his class, he realized he did not want to pursue medicine) would provide a foundation from which he could support me.

Naturally, I thought I’d have more time during the day.  I forgot about the havoc two toddlers can cause in an hour and how exhausting pregnancy is, even in the second trimester.  Nap time work? Heh. Waking up early? If I want to risk feeling out of control from exhaustion for the next week.  Staying up late? Without the distractions of my husband, sure. The line between too much and too little is thin and those comforting words I’ve told myself since starting – you can do this, it will be difficult but worth it – aren’t so comforting in the middle of it all.

And all those words spoken between us?  Of me explaining that I need his help and him saying that he will give it?  Are easier said than done.

Writing.

Talking.

Words.  So many words. Too many words.

What I want now is answers and time. Things that words can’t give and that I can’t seem to find.

*****

My gals at Momalom are hosting Five for Five.  Check it out!  And, they are combining forces with the lovely Heather for her Just Write series.  Pure awesomeness.

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13 Comments

Filed under Graduate School

13 responses to “Questioning Words

  1. You can do it all, but you don’t have to do it all right now. What’s the most important thing? That baby. Who needs a rested, healthy mama. Take care of yourself, friend. (And those aren’t just words!)

  2. I wish I had nuggets of wisdom for you except all I can think of is, sheesh, I don’t know how she does it!

    Hats off to you mama. But I have faith in you that you can. It’s no cake walk, but you already knew that. I have the same feminist thing you do – we should pursue our own dreams and manage a family. Sometimes I think I can. Sometimes I think I’ve lost my head. It all depends on how the day goes, which, as you know, is volatile at best. 🙂

  3. Sending you love, words and energy. It sounds like a busy time.

  4. Life comes at you full force sometimes, doesn’t it? I hope that the 3.5 weeks is an end in sight of this period of your busy life and that you can breathe a tiny sigh of relief after you’ve accomplished all that needs to be done in this semester. I admire you so much, Amber. And I’m so glad that you’re joining us here. Big hug to you.

  5. The line between too much and too little. Yep. As to why we do the things we do, well, we establish patterns pretty early in life, and continue to learn from our experience, right? And we seem to forget how hard certain pursuits may be, especially when we really want them.

    Hang in. And sleep a little when you can! (And hopefully, without the perpetual why why why questions.)

  6. Wow, I can’t even imagine two toddlers, going to school and being pregnant all at the same time! Good luck getting through these next few weeks!

  7. You’re almost there! Push through! I try to remind myself, in the thick of it, that the only way to get to the end of something is through it. You’re almost there!

  8. So very many words, so very much busy, so very little time.

    (I love that you’re following your spark. You’re gifting that your children.)

  9. Sara

    Do you love yourself? Do you love YOU; supermom, superwife, super-student etc,etc? These are the questions I have been asking myself alot recently. Yes, I am a good mom, a great cook, a good wife, a great student; but do I love me? Up until recently I have been juggling 7 kids (youngest only 20 months), brain tumor, bi-polar, and a Masters Degree. I am a great student, I can do awesome work but at what cost? I found myself running constantly between classes, (and worse still) endless readings and assignments for class, home, housework, husband, kids and I was getting more and more stressed. Suddenly I was hit with the question; do I love me? I shrugged it off, but it kept crossing my mind over and over. Finally as I looked in the mirror in the early hours of one morning I had to answer (through alot of tears) “No, I don’t love me, not now. I don’t have time and I don’t think I am worth it until I get my Masters”. The following day my 20 month older was playing with a toy whilst I was typing another assignment, she shouted “look mommy, look at me”. As I turned around and saw her beautiful face it hit me; I am a mom, I love being a mom and if I am not a mom now I won’t have the opportunity to be a mom when I graduate. When I graduate, paying off debt, work will be important; then what? Motherhood doesn’t wait until we can fit it in between assignments or jobs. My Masters was stressing me so much I forgot that being a mom is important to me (everybody else can have different things they consider important, it is their right). All this was stressing me when Uni life wasn’t stressful- the kids aren’t sick, just general assignments and presentations, life is ok; I am just running too fast. I withdrew from Uni last week. My husband says he is sure it is just postponed and I will go back to it. Hopefully he’s right, but either way I know I am the best darn mom I can be for my kids at this time and that is what I need to do!

    • admin

      Sara, you bring up many good points. For me, I am horrible at stay-at-home mothering. I don’t enjoy cooking, organizing, or any of those typical SAHM duties. If I hadn’t been so sick with baby # 3 (something you WELL understand) I would have continued working right up until birth and gone to school because that is something I enjoy. But, because of our present circumstances, I have to stay home until after the baby comes. School is actually helping me keep my sanity because being a SAHM is mentally and emotionally difficult and, actually, detrimental for me.

  10. CJ

    Priorities can suck sometimes. The older I get, the more I think I have to do at one time….time is such a life sucker!

  11. This is really well-said, Amber. It’s always something…it really is. I’m glad you’re doing this for yourself if it’s what you really want.