Tag Archives: Eternity

Moving Forward

A Little Memorial

We held the memorial service in our living room–a fitting place since most the events happened there–with us, the kids, and my mother-in-law.  It was an emotional and peaceful service.  Short and sweet.

All About Science

Every person handles loss differently.  For me, I use my knowledge of science and reproduction to obsessively deduce what has happened.

Because of the severity of the miscarriage–the intense contractions, bleeding, and clotting–it would seem that I was about 8 weeks along.  Unfortunately, the hCG levels  remained at a 4-week level. Slowly increasing.  Very slowly.  This left the embryo in a very inhospitable environment, especially since the amniotic sac was already having trouble connecting to the endometrium.

My body rejected the growing baby.

Moving Forward

During the memorial service,  a little voice whispered, It’s okay.  Your baby is safe with me.  Keep moving forward.

Moving forward doesn’t mean forget, it means continue to live.  I have much living to do with my sweet husband and beautiful children.  And with myself.

I have kept myself secluded inside my house.  Afraid to be outside,  unsure of how I would react to questions and condolences.

I feel myself ready to take baby-steps.  Taking short walks around the neighborhood.  Cooking meals.  Talking with neighbors, friends, and family.   Big gatherings, like church, are still too much.  Too painful.  But I’m emerging.

On Life

Many friends have brought over flowers.  They bring much comfort.  Their vivacious beauty reminds me how to live: It’s more than smelling the flowers, it’s nurturing them.

On returning home from our short getaway,  I ran up the stairs, into my babys’ rooms (they were sleeping) and scooped them into my arms.  I smelled their delicious scent and smothered their smooth faces with kisses.  Lots and lots of kisses.

Healing

I’m not as brittle as I was a few days ago.  I feel strong.  Powered by my husband’s love, my children’s affection,  and the Plan of Salvation, I know I can heal.  The pain will remain nestled within my heart,  nudging me every now and then (like all day today),  but I feel its rawness dissipating.

I am coming back,  armed with a new perspective and knowledge from my experience.

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A Simple Walk

Five for Ten is still going strong!  Click on over to see what all the fuss is about.  The theme for today and tomorrow is “memory.”

When we started dating, I didn’t think it would last. I was too young, too immature.  You made me believe that we could be something more, something eternal.

After 6 months, we started talking marriage.  With butterflies in my stomach, I allowed the fantasy to ignite.  You held me entranced by the promise of forever, a future that I once thought impossible.

One Sunday, we took a walk.  We went down a street with familiar houses.  There was a particular one for sale, we stopped to grab the flier.  Within minutes we talked about what could be.  A house.  A family.  You.  Me.

I suggested an alternative–you quit the job you hate, go back to school, and we become starving college students just trying to get by.  You wistfully smile and allow yourself to think about that for a minute until reality hits.  You feel trapped by a job.

You gave me a ring with a question.  I answered, without hesitation, “Yes!”

The dream was within reach.

Months later we decided to break up.  You felt the need to embrace a higher calling for two years.  You wanted to give back to God what he gave to you.  You embarked on a mission.  Those two years would transform us–our relationship–into a force so powerful that we only wait 27 days from when you return to get married.

For two years we bickered.  We broke each other’s hearts multiple times.  We learned to have faith and to trust.  In God.  In ourselves.  In us.

A culmination of 4 years together and we finally had our forever.  A covenant in a temple is said, our reflection in mirrors is looked at, and tears of joy are shed.

Almost 3 years into marriage and we remember that walk.  We are indeed poor students.  But we aren’t starving.  We are full.  With life.  With children.  With each other.

You are pursuing your career of choice, I am living mine.

A simple memory, a fleeting fantasy, that is still unfolding.

Eternity.

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Somtimes Words Just Fail Us

While driving to the funeral last Saturday, my husband and I sat in uncharacteristic silence, absorbed in our own thoughts.  Interestingly enough, we were wrapped in the same emotion: anger.  It did not seem fair that my cousin was experiencing such a tragic loss.  She is a good, loving, mom!

To top it off, we were going to the funeral with our 2-month-old infant.  To us, it seemed like flaunting our bounty.  I’m sure if we could, we would have left Manly home.

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When I walked into the funeral home and saw my cousin, I didn’t know what to say.  I did the only thing I knew how to do, I gave her a hug, several actually.

She inquired after Manly and asked to see him.  I saw the joy–and the hurt–in her eyes.  At that moment, I realized something: denying her the opportunity to see our baby would have added to her pain.

In trying to shield my cousin from more hurt, I would have added to it.  I am grateful that we did take Manly.  I am grateful that she was able to see our son.  I am grateful because I know it comforted her, in some small way.

*************

As we proceeded to the graveside service, Ben offered profound insight.

“Amber, we are angry and we have no right to be angy. ”

“What do you mean?”

“J and K have a right to be angry.  Yet, they aren’t.  Yes, they are sad.  Yes, their hearts ache.  Yet, through this experience, they have acquired a more intimate knowledge about the Plan of Salvation and they cling to this belief.  They have faith.  Our anger is, in some ways, bringing more pain into this service.  We need to focus on them, rather than ourselves.”

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J dedicated the grave.  His words echoed what Ben had said.  His beautiful prayer– and faith– provided me with hope.

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I have tried to write this post in many ways.  There are just no words to adequately describe the funeral and graveside service.  Nothing that can justify the pain J and K are experiencing.

What amazes me was how they comforted those around them.

I can only end this by sharing my testimony.  As you know, I am a Mormon.  I believe, we believe, that their is a life after this one.  We believe that families are Eternal.  We believe that we will meet loved ones in the next life that we have lost in this life.

I know that this knowledge comforts J and K.  The sorrow will never disappear.  The sadness will always be present.  Yet, they find peace in their belief–and knowledge– of Eternal families.

J and K–I am sorry for your loss.  I love you and will  continue to pray for you.  Thank you for allowing us to take part such a treasured service.

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Talking, Sharing, and Serving: Three Things I Love About My Marriage

I will celebrate my third year of marriage in July.  “Three years ?!?!” you exclaim.  “Why, you are only a toddler in marriage years!”  I know.

This may be true, yet I feel as if we have been married forever.  Those years when we weren’t together are a bit blurred.  Perhaps it is because we dated for so long.  (And when I was a rather young age.)  Or, maybe, it is because we have two kids babies.  Whatever the reason, I feel like a seasoned wife.

There are some aspects in my seasoned marriage that I really appreciate. Things that I hope to continue.

Talking

While we were dating, Mr. B pointed out my very hurtful habit of shutting off when I am upset.  This habit still haunts me, it is a constant battle.  Trial by trial, I am struggling to ignore my first inclination, to turn to stone on the outside (better known as stonewalling), and do as Mr. B has taught–talk it through.

This can be rough.  Talking usually involves an uncomfortable subject.  Something that needs to be changed, something that I don’t want to change (at least on the inside).

Our talking has evolved with our marriage. Right now, face-to-face discussions are nearly impossible (unless we want to stay up until 2 am) (not likely).  To solve this potential stumbling block,  we have turned to modern technology: Google Chat. This has not only provided us with instant communication, but has also enabled me to better confront whatever fear is encouraging my stonewalling.

For instance,  I am in need of some serious time management coaching.  In a recent conversation (via Goggle Chat), I asked for some advice.  He, in return, asked me how I spend my time.  I instantly became defensive and began building up my walls.  Until I remembered that I had asked for his help in the first place!  Once that thought pierced my thick skull,  I tore those walls down.  I became receptive to Mr B’s suggestions.

Sharing

I am very proud of Mr B.  He is proud of me.  We enjoy sharing our accomplishments.  When I graduated, Mr B threw me an awesome graduation party.  I had some cool cake, yummy food, and pleasant company.  He was truly happy for me.

When Mr B  recently received high honors for his superior grades, I not only smiled but looked for a way to celebrate with him.  We went out to his favorite restaurant.  I tried to show him how happy I was for the reward he deserved. Really, his wins are my wins.

Because we share this part of our world together,  I feel closer to him.  I know that when I have a good day, I can expect a nice hug and smile.  I also know that when my day goes awry, I have a shoulder/back rub to look forward to.

Serving

The best piece of advice I received before we married was to selflessly serve your spouse everyday.    Seeing as how I am lazy, being selfless doesn’t exactly come naturally.  But, as I have struggled against my natural urgings of selfishness, I have found something wonderful: happiness.

When I make the bed, clean the kitchen, keep up on the laundry, and tidy up the living room, I am greeted with a hearty “Thanks!” when Mr B comes home from a long, tough day.  The gratitude is not my only reason for selfless service, it is the love that I am constantly gaining for my husband.  See, it is hard to be angry toward someone that you serve.  This is true.  If you don’t believe me, try it.

Now, don’t you go thinking that I only serve in our relationship, because you would be wrong.  Dead wrong.  I would have to say that Mr B does most of the serving around here.  When I am having a hard day, he will come home and pick up for me.  When he knows I am feeling down or sick, he will pick up dinner.  He does those tasks that I shy away from, like bath time at night.  He gets the house looking shiny on the weekends.  Most importantly, he takes care of my emotional and mental needs.  He lends a listening ear at 2 am.  He provides mental stimulation, through conversations, at night.  He heaps charming accolades upon my achievements.  Even if they are undeserving.

As we talk, share, and serve, our marriage matures.  It becomes less wistful and more stable.  It becomes more Eternal.

This is part of Chocolate on my Cranium‘s weekly Wordfull Wednesday challenge. Check out her blog to find other entries!

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