While visiting to library to pay $40+ in damaged library book fines, I picked up Brooke Shields’s book, “Down Came the Rain.” Some of the chapters were interesting, a few I found a bit dull (no offense, Brooke), but the chapters where she went into deep detail about her Postpartum depression glued me.
She describes her ambivalence toward her infant, feelings of wanting to disappear, and crazy thoughts of wanting to hurt her child or herself. It was an intense read. Her experience was something I could painfully relate to.
When Emily was born, I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel close to her. I tried; however, the only time I felt anything was when she breastfed–and that wasn’t a positive experience.
It is heartbreaking to read all these wonderful experiences of having a baby and not feeling them. It makes you question your very identity and whether you should have become a mother.
I still have many of these feelings, especially when my hormones increase and I must adjust my medication (under a doctor’s guidance, of course). Thankfully, I feel very comfortable that I may pop pills until the day I die.
It is refreshing to read another mother’s account and realize that your experience was not unique, but something many women experience. It also empowers me to continue in sharing my story.