Tag Archives: Nablopomo

There MUST Be a Cure for This

I have a serious illness: Sarcastic Foot in the Mouth disease.

It seems that most people naturally have what is called a “stopper” in their brains.  This physical component stops words and/or sentences from coming out that could be taken the wrong way. It also allows a person to think things through carefully before they say something they might be embarrassed about later.  It also reminds them that not everyone appreciates OR understands sarcasm.

Unfortunately, I was born without a “stopper” in it.  This genetic deformity affects 1% of the population, making it rare and deadly.  A baby develops it during the 2nd trimester when the mother overdoses on TV comedies or is around second-hand teenage sarcasm.

When I was little, my parents tried everything to cure my disease. They would say things like “think before you speak,” and “remember to not say things that could be hurtful.”  I would carefully process these directions; but, the next day, I would inevitably say something followed by turning red, apologizing profusely, and thinking about it incessantly all night long.

I believe it has gotten better now that I am an adult.  I usually only say things 2-5 times a week that cause horrible discomfort in the evening.

The big problem is, I often don’t recognize the problem.  I process things this way “wow, this could turn into a serious conversation unless I say [whatever pops into my head] immediately.” With most of my friends, they laugh at my silliness and we can all move on.  There are some people, though, that look at me like I am the craziest person on the planet and think thoughts like, “who says that?”

Me.  That’s who.

Some examples include, well-placed miscarriage jokes/sarcasm: “The next time I get pregnant, I will be taking bets on how long it lasts,” or, when asked if we will be having more children, “Oh sure I’ll get pregnant! It’s much easier to have more kids when I know I won’t actually be having more kids;” telling people how I beat my children into submission by saying things like “if you scream at me one more time, I will smother you with kisses;” finally, I push my atheism on people by reminding them they don’t need religion because I AM perfect; thus, if they emulate MY behaviours, they will be good in the next life.

See?  I’m a goner.

I have talked with numerous doctors.  They say there are only two options for cases like mine: immediately start taking an anti-sarcasm pill or go through intense electric shock therapy to re-wire my brain to THINK before it speaks.

As both of these will require a great deal of sacrifice on my part, I think I will forego both options and relegate myself to a life full of sarcasm and a mouth consistently occupied by a foot.

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5 Comments

Filed under mental illness

It's Not That, It's…

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.  At work, when I mention this, my co-workers tell me that my job will get better.  I respond with, “it’s not that, it’s my husband being in medical school.”

Co-worker: “You don’t get to see each other very much?”

Me: “Nope, it’s not that, it’s both of us having an overwhelming amount of responsibility on our shoulders.”

Co-worker: “Oh but I’m sure your husband helps you.”

Me: “Yes, but it’s not that, it’s him busy with schoolwork and me needing to step up.”

Co-worker: “Oh but it will be all worth it in the end.”

Friends, it’s not that.  It’s being swamped by bills, appointments, figuring out insurance and how to pay for it.  It’s, it’s it’s….and, and, and.

After a while, the stones in our backpacks of responsibility pile up until we are at our breaking points.  I just hope that breaking point is not as close as I think it is, because right now?  It’s hard.  It just is.

11 Comments

Filed under Shooting Straight

A Word to the Wise

A couple of months ago, Sybil interviewed me for the Daughters of Mormonism podcast.  I talked about my [loss of] faith journey and how the miscarriages influenced my decision to leave the Mormon church.  You are welcome to listen to it on the website or on iTunes, it is entitled: A Religion of Compassion.  I believe this interview is an excellent overview of my feelings toward religion–especially with the Mormon church as it is the church I grew up in–and why I have decided to chart my own course through life.

Many believing members mistakenly assume that I have fallen of the path because of choices I have made or am making; for example, wanting to fornicate or breaking the Word of Wisdom (which are generally assumed to go together).

To be fair, I always thought this to be the case in any member who left the faith.  Truly, if they wanted Eternal Salvation, they would have remained faithful unless worldly passions had clouded their vision.

In my case, I did not break any LDS commandment until after I had already left the church (and, no, fornication was/is not part of my vocabulary, my husband and I enjoy a very healthy sexual relationship thankyouverymuch). The first incident came as I was pondering the mysteries of LDS doctrine and comparing what I had learned to the reality I had seen. I had several good friends who often imbibed and given that I was greatly impressed by their fortitude through tribulations, their compassion and empathy toward other people, and their absolute belief in their own religion (or lack thereof), I could not understand why God would not allow them to enter into Heaven (i.e. the Celestial Kingdom) because they chose to drink “strong” and “hot” drinks (alcohol and coffee).  Because I no longer believed in the absolutist doctrine of the church–or in God–I decided to taste one of these forbidden drinks.

I was not hooked.  It took a couple tries before I found an alcoholic beverage I was okay with drinking.  As I had originally thought that drinking any form of alcohol would immediately turn me into an alcoholic, I was surprised that after a few months I still knew when I had had enough–usually after one or two drinks.

After this experience of trial and error, I decided to indulge in another forbidden substance: coffee (and iced tea, but that’s not really a “hot” beverage).  You know what it tasted like?  Postum, a beloved beverage I grew up drinking.  It was not long before this became my staple.

I am not here to tell anyone whether they should or shouldn’t drink alcoholic beverages and coffee with me; rather, I am coming out of my shell and letting all of you know that I do imbibe and I don’t plan on stopping (unless pregnancy occurs, naturally).  I also do not find myself behaving any different; instead, I am much more empathetic and compassionate towards those who are less fortunate than I am.  I would hope that many people who have long-held beliefs that drinking immediately makes a person horrible will reconsider this conclusion as they evaluate who I am as a person. And if you don’t see this, it doesn’t bother me. Heck, I am okay with being the fall guy, er, gal; you know, the person that we all compare our selves to when things go to, um, crap.

On that note, I raise my coffee mug to each of you and bid you a delightful day.

6 Comments

Filed under keeping the faith

A Spectacular Failure

My plan of posting daily was foiled by sickness and travelling.  We are home, thankfully safe and sound as inclement weather wanted otherwise, but the sickness is pervasive.  We are all busy living in a haze of congestion, chills, and fevers.

Before I stopped, I had published every day, except one.  A decent record, for sure, but did I really do what I set out to accomplish?

Yes.

Writing daily became a habit.  I set aside a block of time for myself, nightly, to sit and write.

Posting was more enjoyable.  I wrote on a variety of themes, allowing my creativity to flow.

Giving myself a break each day provided me with the escape I needed from the incessant worries that accompany motherhood and solo parenting.

And no.

I am not satisfied with my writing.  Many days, the posts seemed more like stream-0f-consciousness writing rather than organized, coherent, and cohesive thoughts with few grammatical and punctuation errors.   My time, like so many people’s, is extremely restricted.  If I choose to sit and write, I also choose to ignore the mess and continue living in a chaotic household–something I am not okay with.

While I did go outside of my comfort zone in small ways, I still kept within the confined zone.  Struggling to find the perfect word choice/combinations, appropriate tone, and correct word usage has placed more than one important piece inside the drafts folder.

I did not find that niche of which I am looking.  The subject that defines this place.  I also found myself in a vulnerable position of confronting a truth I have been avoiding.  A truth that will lead to more time and effort in order to receive adequate help.

I managed to break through the fog I had been living in by trying the NaBloPoMo challenge.  In the process, though, I found another fog that will take longer to navigate.  Something I’m not exactly prepared for but understand the necessity of facing it.

Perhaps I should dedicate this blog to figuring out pieces of myself as I venture further and further into motherhood and wifehood.  It seems to be heading in that direction anyway.

14 Comments

Filed under Reflections

Tell Me More

In thinking about what to write today, Kristen provided an excellent exercise for me.  No, it’s not cheating.

LIVING
Where do you live: The Great White North.  OK.  Not really.  I do live where there is a high population of Mormons…
Favorite art: Monet, DaVinci, Rembrandt
Pets: None.  We are allergic.  *Cough cough*
Favorite neighborhood restaurant: Um, we live by the tracks.  (Literally.)  Enough said.
Favorite cocktail: Since I don’t drink, how about my favorite soda?  Dr. Pepper.
Who inspires you: My husband, all moms, and people who work for non-profit Hispanic agencies
Necessary extravagance: Aerobics (does that count? We’re going through budget cuts in our household and this happens to be free for me.)
Favorite place in the world: Wrapped up in my husband’s arms watching (and inevitably falling asleep to) a good movie (so cheesy but so true)

CLOTHES
Designer: Banana Republic, Gap
Jeans: I haven’t bought a new pair of jeans since I was in high school.  No kidding.
Underwear: 100% cotton
Sneakers: Adidas
Watch: My microwave and computer.
T-shirt: Gap/Banana Republic T-shirts in dark purples, pinks, and greens
Day bag: Truthfully? (Don’t laugh.)  I use those reusable grocery bags to cart my kid’s stuff, and my coat pockets to carry my stuff.
Evening bag: My husband’s trouser’s pockets
Favorite city to shop: Anywhere that has outlets/discount stores.  Right now? Park City

BEAUTY
Lipstick: Does chap stick count?  Um…Vaseline brand stuff.
Mascara: Right now, Maybelline’s Colossal Volume
Shampoo: I change shampoos each time I’m at the hair supply store, but currently I am using Naturelle Aura daily shampoo
Moisturizer: Oil of Olay
Perfume: Tommy Girl
Toothpaste: Colgate
Soap: The cheapest body wash at the store
Nail-polish color: I haven’t painted my nails in years (not even for my wedding)
Who cuts your hair: Right now, it’s my downstairs neighbor.  She is amazing.  Plus, she’s from Mexico so I am able to practice my Spanish with her.
Who colors your hair: Whoever I am placed with at Paul Mitchell School of Beauty

Feel free to play along!  I would love to see how you answer.

16 Comments

Filed under All About Me

My Other Guy

I have a guy on the side. Except he is more in the middle because he prefers to be sandwiched between Ben and me or in my arms.  He shows me daily just how much he needs me.

When I take a shower while Ben is home, he will start to cry, wiggle out of Ben’s lap, crawl to the door, stand up, and knock.  And continue knocking until I come out or let him in.

When I am kissing Ben, he will crawl over, climb onto my leg and look at us until we I pay attention to him.

When I am sitting on the floor, he will crawl over (do you see a pattern here?), pull himself into a standing position (by using my shoulder), and smother my face with kisses.

When I am trying to sleep, he will cry, standing in his crib, until I go pick him up.  Once I rescue him, he will snuggle against my chest while drinking his bottle and occasionally fall asleep.  (If he doesn’t fall asleep, he will jump all over me and Ben until we place him back into his crib.)

When I am trying to clean, he will crawl to the gate, pull himself into a standing position, and cry, “Mama!” until I pick him up.

When he is eating, he will cry if I try to leave the room.

When I am sad, he will hug me close.

When I feel that tug of sadness for our lost baby, he will look at me with his beautiful eyes, crawl over and demand that I pick him up.  Then I will hold him tight and thank God for a little boy who is still okay with being my baby.

12 Comments

Filed under lessons from a rocking chair

Chasing Snow

“Hey, the doppler says it’s supposed to be snowing right now,” Ben informed me as he stood on our porch watching the rain.

“Hmmm…,” I replied.

“I bet it’s snowing in the canyon,” he said.

I nodded, too consumed in my book to notice the sadness in his voice.

A few minutes later, he was outside again, looking longingly at the sky. “Why isn’t it snowing?” he rhetorically demanded.

I looked up, saw the earnest manner of my husband, and suggested something completely unlike me. “Why don’t we take a drive to the canyon to find the snow?”

He looked at me, dumbfounded, “But the kids are asleep. You want to wake them up to take a drive? Not that I’m arguing, but that’s not something you would usually be okay with.”

“I know,” I replied, “but I think it would be okay this time.”

We hurriedly pulled the kids out of their beds, bundled them up, and strapped them into the car.

And away we went, chasing the snow.

*****

I am rarely touched by songs these days, mostly because our current soundtrack is limited to The Wiggles and The Jimmies, but in searching for an artist, I stumbled upon this beautiful song.  It reminded me of the above experience and brought tears to my eyes.

Tonight, I dedicate this song to Ben: my best friend, lover, and husband. Babe, I’d chase the snow with you any day.

7 Comments

Filed under Love Stories