Tag Archives: Sarcasm

Happy Libido Awareness Day!

Ah. It’s Valentine’s Day. A day to celebrate love by chocolate, cards, and a romantic candle-lit dinner.

It’s also time to pull out that sexy lingerie, light the candles, and turn on the romantic music because what is love without love-making?

Nothing like a good romantic holiday to remind us all that we are sexual beings with sexual desires.

Or to remind people, like me, the we have absolutely no libido.

So you go through the motions, pretend everything is going smooth, suggest an early bedtime (“oh, bed you say? certainly”) and turn around and fall asleep.

Is the holiday ruined?

Nope.  Just delayed.  But, to be safe, make sure to stock up on extra chocolate and super mushy cards to placate your partner.  It will work, I promise.

Besides, there is always next year.

Until next time, enjoy your libido awareness day.

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Filed under On Intimacy

Why Blogs Need a "Like" Button and Other Completely (Un)Related Thoughts

Since I am horrible, no good, blogger, I am terrible at responding to comments.  I read all of them, and usually compose the best responses, but writing them out seems impossible. Especially with my many distractions–admissions essay, work, Facebook, kids, and my husband.

What I need is a “like” button for comments, then all of you will KNOW I read them, even if I couldn’t respond.

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Recently, “i think i am the craziest person on the planet” search landed a person on my blog.  I hope they learned the truth that I am sole owner of that title.  Don’t you dare take it away from me.

I had other awesome search terms and carefully placed them in categories for you.

You Landed In the Right Place

“Make my husband last sarcastic” (Sorry lady/man, I can only help him become MORE sarcastic)

“sarcastic people have more illnesses” (Clearly)

“parenting fail” (after fail, after fail…)

“menu to gain 20 pounds in one month” (Hello! Birth control!)

“tired of being a mother” (I get it.)

Ummmm….

“how do you install the oh birth control” (read the instructions!)

“real gay moments” (not sure if you’ll find what you’re looking for here)

“making pee” (BECOME PREGNANT!!)

“gay love making” (no words)

Say it with me, “AWWWW!”

“support my husband for his medical school interview”

“closer i get to you 2011”

“blog post supporting duggar family miscarriage”

“little girl sweet kisses” (I’m going to assume this was innocent)

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In lieu of boring you with updates on this pregnancy, I am using Facebook.  If you don’t have Facebook, and want boring updates, let me know and I will start an e-mail thingy.

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We celebrated Solstice this year with a candle light dinner and toasts to celebrate light starting to increase daily.  It was awesome.

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Emily thinks the Muppets on Sesame Street have penis noses.  What do you say to that?  She also told the nurse on our last visit that “Mommy is getting a baby today!” Sorry to disappoint you, girly, but it’s going to take longer than 5 weeks for that to happen.

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Happy holidays to all of you! I hope you eat as much food as you want and think of me while doing so.  You can bet I would be glaring in your direction as you masticate on all those delicious entrées and desserts while I sit with my puke bowl in my lap and munch on Saltines in the hope that I won’t vomit.

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Filed under Random Thoughts

Feeling Free, Feeling Good

After a considerably hard weekend, I decided to take two days off from work.  Sickness and pain were my nemeses and I had only one remedy: sleep.  I also made some dietary changes and limited my food to saltines and soup with the occasional sandwich.  For whatever reason, these switches have positively impacted my after miscarriage stuff. While I am still feeling slightly ill, the back pain is almost gone and my mind is just about free of fog.

It’s strange, really, to have these excessive emotional highs and lows–to go from hating life to feeling excited for tomorrow.  Hell, I’ll take the positives, they keep me going and my world incredibly interesting. Eh, I guess I can handle the lows if they make life exciting and this couldn’t be possible if there isn’t one (or two, or 10) sh***y day a week.  I know because my Guide to Life says so.

(What is my Guide to Life?  Well let me tell you.  Nah, I’ll just redirect you.) (This book is on a pedestal in my household and we read from it religiously.  RELIGIOUSLY I say.  It’s my replacement bible.)

(Speaking of the bible, Emily comes home singing new Christian songs that she has learned in preschool about once a week.  My favorite is God Is Great. She sings this every meal time while Ben and I sit and laugh.  It’s just so darn cute!  Also, she doesn’t like it if I try to change the lyrics to “Emily is great!” or something similar.  I guess she thinks I’m being cynical.  Where would she get that idea?)

ANYWAY.

If my life were a musical, I would be singing “The Hills Are Alive” or “Defying Gravity.” If only I could attach wires from my brain to the TV so my amazing thoughts could be transmitted to the BIG SCREEN.   Picture this:  Me, in a beautiful dress, singing and dancing my way through life.  It would be priceless.  And entertaining.  Mostly entertaining.

(Have I mentioned that Emily dances like a Hip Hop star?  I guess my regular Zumba work-outs HAVE taught her something.  Like how to shake her hips and booty.  I feel slightly guilty in encouraging her but, frankly, it’s hilarious to see my 3-year-old shaking her thing better than most pop stars do.)

AHEM.

I return to work today and I feel like doing some jumping jacks–I am THAT excited.

Is this what feeling free–from anger–is like?  If so, I really like it.

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Filed under miscarriage

Teaching Values Early

Back in September, Emily wanted to do things that were slightly dangerous–like driving.  Rather than saying no, I explained to her she could drive, when she turned 16.  After that I provided age requirements for everything: chewing gum at 8, working at 18, dating at 49, etc.

A parents greatest pride is when they see their teachings actively followed on.  My point came today, at the grocery store.

Pushing the cart back to the car, Emily yells from within the basket, “I be 21 and I drink BEER!!”

I am so glad we are teaching our children values from an early age.

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Filed under My Kids

10 Inevitable Truths of Parenthood

1. When your kid or kiddos are sick, you will think they need rest.  They will think they need to avoid it.  On goes the Sleep To Get Better battle, worse than the Take Your Medicine battle.

2. As soon as you clear your schedule for some valuable time with your kids, they will destroy the house 10 minutes before, leaving a disgruntled, irritated, mama who wants to sleep and/or drink instead of spend that time with them.

3. Once you decide to wake up early to exercise, read, and/or write before your children wake up, they will decide to wake up earlier to join you. And there you will be, awake at 4 am, staring each other down.

4. The mess of your house will force you to think of some sanity-saving idea to make certain areas forbidden.  The kids will figure out your locks, avoid the booby-traps, and pull all the important papers you have stored, pour water on them, and throw them in the trash, laundry bin, and under your bed.

5. After a major temper tantrum, you will sit your toddler down to explain why things happen the way they do.  They will turn to you, give you the most tender expression, and smack your face.

6. Once you nicely fold your clothes and put them away–a task you do once a year–you will wake the next morning to all those clothes in your kids’ room strewn across their floors and bunched up in places you didn’t think they could reach.

7. You will make the most delicious meal, complete with four courses, sit your family down and endure as your oldest child says things like “I don’t like that,” or “I WANT CEREAL!” And, after your 2-year-old finishes, he will pour everything he didn’t want on the floor, which your landlord has kept carpeted for insanity purposes.

8. While watching your children playing so nicely, you will remark to your husband/friend/associate “my kids are the best of friends,” only to have one running to you, blood streaming down their face, the next minute screaming “he/she hit me!”

9. Instead of watching the show they demanded to watch while you wash dishes, or complete some other household chore, your children will be busy making artwork on the walls, the carpet, and the couch with your lipstick, pens, eyeliner, or whatever media source they can find in your purse.

10. Your spouse/partner and you will sit down after a long day to read bedtime stories to your kids.  After you finish, they will tackle you with hugs and kisses, shouting, “I love you!”  Then you will remember that it really is worth it in the end.  Especially once they shut their eyes and leave you with peaceful, slumbering noises–a sure sign you can finally relax.

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Filed under My Kids

There MUST Be a Cure for This

I have a serious illness: Sarcastic Foot in the Mouth disease.

It seems that most people naturally have what is called a “stopper” in their brains.  This physical component stops words and/or sentences from coming out that could be taken the wrong way. It also allows a person to think things through carefully before they say something they might be embarrassed about later.  It also reminds them that not everyone appreciates OR understands sarcasm.

Unfortunately, I was born without a “stopper” in it.  This genetic deformity affects 1% of the population, making it rare and deadly.  A baby develops it during the 2nd trimester when the mother overdoses on TV comedies or is around second-hand teenage sarcasm.

When I was little, my parents tried everything to cure my disease. They would say things like “think before you speak,” and “remember to not say things that could be hurtful.”  I would carefully process these directions; but, the next day, I would inevitably say something followed by turning red, apologizing profusely, and thinking about it incessantly all night long.

I believe it has gotten better now that I am an adult.  I usually only say things 2-5 times a week that cause horrible discomfort in the evening.

The big problem is, I often don’t recognize the problem.  I process things this way “wow, this could turn into a serious conversation unless I say [whatever pops into my head] immediately.” With most of my friends, they laugh at my silliness and we can all move on.  There are some people, though, that look at me like I am the craziest person on the planet and think thoughts like, “who says that?”

Me.  That’s who.

Some examples include, well-placed miscarriage jokes/sarcasm: “The next time I get pregnant, I will be taking bets on how long it lasts,” or, when asked if we will be having more children, “Oh sure I’ll get pregnant! It’s much easier to have more kids when I know I won’t actually be having more kids;” telling people how I beat my children into submission by saying things like “if you scream at me one more time, I will smother you with kisses;” finally, I push my atheism on people by reminding them they don’t need religion because I AM perfect; thus, if they emulate MY behaviours, they will be good in the next life.

See?  I’m a goner.

I have talked with numerous doctors.  They say there are only two options for cases like mine: immediately start taking an anti-sarcasm pill or go through intense electric shock therapy to re-wire my brain to THINK before it speaks.

As both of these will require a great deal of sacrifice on my part, I think I will forego both options and relegate myself to a life full of sarcasm and a mouth consistently occupied by a foot.

5 Comments

Filed under mental illness

Oh Birth Control, How I Love/Loathe Thee

After the last miscarriage, I had to take what I normally avoid: birth control. Why? To control my insane cycles that included major depressive episodes that my current medicine was not effectively controlling; nausea and/or vomiting; and intense cramping that left me breathless.  Also, the bleeding was mild and came and went over 9 days.

But I have hesitated to take the BC.  My first experience, in the beginning two months of our marriage, was not good.  It turned me crazier than I already was.

However, my doctor explained that it would help with the overactive cysts (another thing that accompanied the miscarriages), keep the bleeding regular, and control my intense mood swings.

So I caved.

And it became my–almost–best friend.  That little pill worked wonders until I was ready to try again.

But the third miscarriage put me into another hormonal/period tail swing.  So I went to my therapist–the red pill–and began a new regimen.  Again, things righted themselves (except for the major depressive episodes, yuck), and all has been good in my world.

Until the scale topped out at 20 lbs heavier than before the miscarriage.  What the hell?  I kind of expected 10 lbs but 20, 20! I think the weight gain might be creating major depressive episodes at this point.  And anxiety attacks.  Oh my.

So I’m going to bid good-bye to my friend.  It’s been a lovely relationship full of give and take.  You took my body and I gave my soul.  Or something like that.  For real, though, adieu.  And good riddance.

What type of birth control do you use?  Do you like it?  (Come on, don’t be shy.  Sharing is caring. And it makes me feel better.)

image via ladysuite.net

—-This week’s supportive parenting theme is saying sorry.  How do you say sorry?  How do your kids sorry? Funny stories about apologizing?  Let’s hear it.—-

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Filed under Birth Control